Circus! Circus! Semi-Finals! Nov.19

photo by Mark Baran
CRAZY 8's v.s. SHEVIL KNEVILS, First Half

The announcers have started referring to 8's blocker Servin Justice as "The Wall" and with good reason. The Knevils were spiraling out of control trying to get past her. And speaking of 8's blockers, guess who was the first skater to visit the penalty box? That's right, it's home sweet home for A Lethal Weapon. The Knevils have some toughies for blockers as well. Boom Boom Bender handed a thumpin' to Abba Zabba, Bump Kitty served some bumpin's, and Crazy Janie knocked over Servin Justice, toppling "The Wall", despite the fact that she is still recovering from a broken jaw. "Holy Cats...did you see her take me out? I'm gonna get her..." Justice told me.

Trash Talkin Tina(SK) was all over the place. In my notes, my abbreviation for her, TTT appears frequently. She was sent to the penalty box, and was none too thrilled with the zebras.

“I was sent to the penalty box for hitting Kat Scratch Fever in the face. Oops. I was a bit ticked at the refs because I thought they should’ve been calling more penalties, but whatever. I do feel like I got hit more often than I ever have before.” TTT told Me.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES v.s. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE, First Half

Both teams made good use of solid jammer line ups. For the Rollettes, frequent jammers were Poptart, Fly Girl, Jackie O'Nihilate, Reina Pain, and Smirk Savage. Savage was skating like the Tasmanian Devil. I saw her fly into a photographer's tripod and was knocked over more than once, but she spun back to her feet. I think I saw her do a quadruple flip in the air, but I'm not sure. The Maiden's jammers include the speedy Grace Killy, Rejected Seoul, and the mysterious and crafty Sea Hag. Beezlebelle jammed a good one, but did a fly over when the pack in front of her collapsed.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did a totally creepy marionette doll act with a seven deadly sins theme."Crackerjack of the Mad Rollin Dolls liked the performance so much, she asked us to perform it at their Christmas bout, Dec.9" Robin Ya'Blind told me after the bout. The Hoopafreaks whooped it up hoop style and Snowfire showed why the Burning Man Festival leads the world in glow stick consumption.

CRAZY 8's OUTSTUNT KNEVILS 56-44

The Knevils have had a rough time this season with no wins. That being said, they have a large and loyal following that has cheered them on every bout. Hopefully next season they can channel some of that Raw Power into some wins. Alovicious put in some dynamic jams, including a neck and neck crash and bash with 8's jammer Pabsty Cline. It looked like Mae Killya was in some severe pain at some point, so I asked if she had been injured.

“A couple months ago I sustained an injury at practice…the torn (shoulder) ligaments impacted my ability to lift a beer…I sat and cheered my team to victory (last bout). The joy of that victory gave me the resolve to learn to use my left hand to lift a beer to my face and lo and behold, I could skate again. Beer and a Crazy 8- it’s like spinach was to Popeye.”

Punk Rock to the maximum, jammer Sugar Tank was sent to the kennel. She explains,

“Yeah the only reason I got sent to the penalty box was because I was literally clawing my way through the pack. I had no penalties in the first half, the second half I think something switched in my brain and I went a little crazy.”

RUSHINS ROLL UP MAIDENS 60-44

The half started with Liv Wrong (who suffered a concussion last bout) getting knocked over and receiving a knee injury. The EMTs took her to the hospital, where it was revealed she had a sprained muscle.

True to form, she showed up at the Bruiser's after party for a beer. A Krulos salute to this Bruiser hero.

Next there was a slight dust up between Rejected Seoul and Jackie O'Nihilate, with Jackie O sent to the kennel. “She was engaging me when I was 20 feet ahead of the pack. When she finally got called on it, I made sure to make my feelings clear on the matter by showing her the sad rejected face.” Seoul stated. Jackie O had a more diplomatic response.

“I gotta say, in the midst of the flurry, things happen.” she said.

Grace Killy was sent to the penalty box, leaving the Maidens with no jammer. I asked Killy what penalty had sent her packin’.

“I can only assume it was for passing out of bounds. I was getting held up by the Rushins and sometimes the lesser of two evils is to pass out of bounds, lose the point but make it around for another pass, but not if it’s your fourth foul!”

A couple jams later, Reina Pain and Sexi Mexi started to get into it, but were both quickly sent to the penalty box before it escalated.

“I guess if I would’ve known I was going to be thrown in the box for basically a shoved arm, I would’ve clocked her and let it go into a full blown rumble. I felt cheated, I wouldn’t even call it a fight. Next time it’s oooonnn!” Sexi Mexi told me.

Jesse Jameson and Fidela Castrate also ended up caged. The crowd was going crazy for the last jam. A loud dude behind me was chanting Rollettes! Rollettes! over and over. As the final jammers, Reina Pain and Sea Hag, lined up he stood up and screamed "Hey SEA HAG- EAT IT!" It was a strong showing by the Maidens, But it will be the Rollettes facing the Crazy 8's for the number one spot at next month's finals.
"I'm so damn proud of all the skaters! From bout to bout it's very evident who has been busting their asses at practice because the skating skills keep impressing me!" Servin Justice stated.
I asked Rollettes Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch had words of warning for the 8's.
“Those ninjas should get ready for the Rollettes to deliver some serious communist blocks and Iron Hurtin. There is nothing more to say.”
Son of a gun! The Bruiser Finals are Friday, December 15th at 7PM at Bruiser Stadium aka the Milwaukee County Sports Stadium, 6000 W.Ryan Road

Featured Ref- Snaps Smear

profile by Hannah Mog
In his role as the head referee of the Bruisers, Snaps Smear is dedicated to the girls and takes ensuring their safety very seriously. Before the girls even step foot on the floor Snaps has taken part in setting up the track and either himself or another ref has skated it first. Snaps is present for 2-3 night practices a week and always present at Sunday morning practices. Living in Racine his commute is 45 minutes each way but feels that it is “worth it”. At first Snaps was interested in the Bruisers from a spectator position, “for the same reasons any other guy would be interested”. However, after then best
friend Sugartank (fiancé as of the Summerfest bout) invited him to become part of the team as a referee he soon became a foundational member of the organization. He says he is drawn to the differences between the members and
how everyone appreciates those differences. The league has drawn the refs in as part of the community of derby and treats them as team members. As the first season winds down Snaps would like to express his gratitude to the city of Milwaukee for their support of the girls for the great first season. “There will never be another 1st season, these girls gave birth to derby in
Milwaukee.”

Featured Beerleader- Kim n' Tonic

profile by Hannah Mog
The Brewcity Beerleaders have become an important component to not only the Bruisers themselves but to the elaborate bouts put on each month. Standing on the sidelines, dressed according to the particular theme of that bout, the Beerleaders add energy and theatrics to an already exciting sporting event. The co-captain and “drill bitch” of the Beerleaders is Kim N' Tonic. She a prime example of the Beerleaders, with energy to spare and an upbeat attitude she exemplifies her squad. In her role as a co-captain she not only helps conduct practices but spends much of her time coordinating the correspondence between the teams and the Beerleaders.
Some of the girls in the Beerleaders were not interested in becoming a derby player from the beginning while others, like Kim N' Tonic, were too late in signing up and all positions were filled. Another chance for involvement came when Jesse Jameson, one of the founding members of the league, suggested to Kim that she try out for the Leaders. As a member she is not only involved in her team but the league as a whole. Kim N' Tonic plans on continuing her involvement in the league and would like to thank all the derby girls for their acceptance of the Beerleaders into the organization.

Pictures by Jen Blando

Featured Bruiser- Punch Kisser

#25, Shevil Knevils
profile by Hannah Mog
Punch Kisser was the official first member of the Brewcity Bruisers. First to sign up after her then room-mate Butch Cassidy (co-founder of the league) told her about the formation.
Coming here from Flagstaff, Arizona she has quickly become ingrained in the communities of Riverwest and the Bruisers.
Punch says derby is her new found passion and she finds most of her time and thoughts dedicated to it. In her role as a sculptor she has spent most of her life being consumed by thoughts of her art. However, her participation in derby
has taken over and become “all-consuming”, in a good way. Holding down jobs at Atomic Records, Art Bar and the sculpture department at UWM has her involved in various projects which keep her busy.

With no commitments to anyone or anything (other than jobs) she is free to dedicate herself fully to whichever projects she is currently undertaking.
She says she loves the actual act of rollerskating more than anything else involved but also the community which the derby girls form. She also says that even the days when she is exhausted and doesn't want to go to practice as soon as she arrives she is happy to be there and ready to go. Playing with “110%”,she is truly a derby girl, passionate and a little bit crazy.

THE ROLLER DERBY FREAK SHOW

Here is the new column that will appear in the Nov.15 UnderCurrents. This column is reporting on the bout that happened back on Halloween weekend, Oct.28. So, BOO! Maybe that’ll get you back in the mindset of the awesome combined forces of the supernatural and Roller Derby.

The Crazy 8’s V.S. Rushin Rollettes, First half

This was a hotly anticipated match up. The Rollettes were thus far undefeated, and the 8’s had suffered just one controversial loss the previous bout. After apparently winning by one point, it was declared that they had in fact lost by three points. Surely they must have felt an ancient need for vengeance, like a ninja star sailing toward it’s target. They were down a few players however, including Beatings, Oww, and Latina.

The Rollettes are crafty. When they rolled out they announced that they had changed their name to “The Eggrollers”. The Rollettes slag the 8’s by calling them “Eggrollers” while the 8’s call the Rollettes “Team Pretty”. However, I also believe that the Rollettes did this as a dirty commie trick to confuse the masses.

The 8’s brought their A game, constantly rotating a line up of four talented jammers- Captain Cookie Ciano, Pabsty Cline, Abba Zabba, and Termiskater. They also played a strong defense. For example in one jam I saw speedy jammer Fly Girl repeatedly pummeled and knocked over by 8’s blockers.

“They were plotting I tell you. Plotting!” Fly Girl informed me.

It is this aggressive blocking that quickly sent two 8’s, Servin Justice and A Lethal Weapon, to the penalty box (also known as the “kennel” or “the cage guarded by dangerous Drag Queens”) . A word to the wise- look out for these two! They’ll slam into you and ten mothers that look just like you without batting an eye.

According to the official penalty sheet, Weapon herself collected 3 pushing penalties, 2 illegal blocking penalties and a chasing penalty. Toward the end Jackie O’Nihilate was sent to the kennel for one minute, leaving the Rollettes with no jammer. Rollettes Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch was pointing to 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline, screaming, “Take her out!” and at one point threw down her clipboard in disgust. The 8’s led 57-37.

Shevil Knevils V.S. Maiden Milwaukee, First Half

An audible gasp of shock was heard when Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher skated around the rink holding an actual skinned cow head. Everyday is Halloween for Sea Hag, who, as usual slunk quickly through the pack with Trash Talkin Tina right on her heels. Grace Killy was bumped down by Bump Kitty, but bounced back. The crowd loves it when she pulls ahead and showboats by skating backwards. The Knevils were trailing 19-32 at halftime.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did an excellent routine to “Thriller” with their own red leather clad Michael Jackson zombie. I want to do the moonwalk just thinking about it. Infamous UnderCurrents contributor J.Jason Groschopf netted second place in the costume contest for his sweet Ghostbuster (Venkmein to be exact) costume. First place went to a dude in an elaborate Bender (of Futureama) costume.

Crazy 8’s beat Rushin Rollettes 82-55

Two jams in and Liv Wrong was hit in the head.

“I actually got a mild concussion! I hit the ground super hard, as I got up someone skated by and kicked me full force in the back of the head. I saw stars! …I thought I’d have a moment to regroup…I didn’t because Ivanna was yelling at me to get in formation for the next jam. The rest of the bout is a blur. Afterwards I opted to drink through the concussion rather than seek medical attention. I still don’t know who kicked me, but I’d put money on Smashalina Jolie. I’ve known her since I was four and she’s a certifiable jerk.” Was Smashalina the culprit? I was determined to find out.

“Maybe it was me and maybe it wasn’t. The way of the ninja is to get in, fight, and leave without a trace. Liv and Smash have had it out for each other since fourth grade. She’ll never admit to this, but she used to steal from other kid’s lunches. Especially if they had snack packs in them. Wanna distract Liv Wrong? Dangle a container of pudding in front of her, she’ll forget what she’s doing instantly! After years of retaliation, we’re both in roller derby. Did I kick her in the head? Maybe. Let’s just say that puddin’ eating, boyfriend stealing, prank calling, trash talking adversaries aren’t going to make it too far past me or my Crazy 8’s” Smashalina relayed to me.

A couple jams later, Holly DeClaw hit the ground so hard her that her jammer patch sprung off her helmet as an avalanche of skaters fell on her.

“I was tackled like a football player. It was a bit of a shocker, but I recovered just fine.” DeClaw maintains. Smirk Savage and Reina Pain put in strong showings, but couldn’t push the team ahead. By the end of match Jackie O’Nihilate looked completely exhausted.

Maiden Milwaukee bests Shevil Knevils 67-41

Then wild times were rolling as Maully Malone (fun fact- her namesake comes from a traditional Irish song about a women who pushes a wheelbarrow full of shellfish through the streets of Dublin.) was sent to the kennel. A brawl busted out between Pistolero(SK) and Rejected Seoul(MM).

“Pistolero tried to ride the Seoul Train, but only a Maiden can be my caboose. The next time I see her on the track she better watch her back, because the working class might kick her ass!” Rejected Seoul told me. Not surprisingly, Pistolero had a different take.
“Rejected Seoul felt the fury in my pistol packed punches. She’s learned a valuable lesson about crossing my path- a mistake she won’t make again.”

Punch Kisser was also sent to the box where she tried to escape and rassled a Drag Queen, leaving no jammer for the Knevils. Disco Insterno and Madd Mallett were sent packing. Sea Hag and Milwaukee’s Breast faced off in a close tit for tat race. The last jam feature a rare appearance of Maiden Captain Killer Jiller in the jammer position. Her team won by a 26 point lead. This makes the Maidens, 8’s, and Rollettes tied with 2 wins, 1 loss each, with the Knevils in the basement. It’ll be interesting to see which teams emerge victorious in the semi finals. As announcer Rex Chapman likes to say,

“Let’s line them up for ooooooone more!”

The Bruisers semi finals are Sun. November 19th at 4PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W.Ryan rd. Find out more at brewcitybruisers.com

Yowza! Now you can read all of the Talk Derby To Me columns and more at
www. talk derby.blogspot.com

The BRUISERS as art?

Here is a couple of photos by our "Talk Derby" photographer Jennifer Blando, from the September bout. She must have done it by messing with the shutter speeds or something. Although I wouldn't use it in the print version, I think it looks really cool in an artsy smartsy sort of way. It gives the photo a fast spaced speedy look. The Bruisers- true works of art!
The new column will be posted HERE on MONDAY NIGHT! And it's a good one!

Live Video Footage!

Here's a clip of the Knevils vs Rollettes at the Summerfest demo bouts I found on YouTube. If anyone has anymore clips on YouTube, I would love to post them here.

New Talk Derby to Me soon!

Wow, what a great Bruisers bout on the 28th!
The column on it will appear in the print version of UnderCurrents in the November 15 edition.
But guess what, it will be posted here much earlier, sometime this weekend!
In the meantime, I have posted the previous Talk Derby To Me columns below.

Featured Bruiser-Poptart

#10.2, Rushin' Rollettes, "Nonstop" profile by Hannah Mog
Poptart, rarely referred to as Brenda, is co-captain of the Rushin Rollettes. As a self proclaimed “Femi-Nazi” it could be said that she fits the role of the stereotypical roller derby girl. Though, if there is one thing that can be learned from Milwaukee’s beloved Bruisers is that there is no stereotypical derby girl. Poptart fits the mold in that she is a strong advocate for woman’s rights and feels that it is important to have female dominated sports. However, she does not live up to the party girl typecast that many see in leagues nationwide, in fact she considers herself to be a “lightweight” and keeps her partying to a minimum. She is highly dedicated to the league, so much so that she moved from her home in Waukesha to Bayview to be closer to the action and says that derby is her life.
In her role as a hairstylist, a typically feminine occupation, Brenda has come across those who don’t understand Derby and challenge its validity as a sport. Being involved in athletics in the past, Poptart feels that Derby is one of the most challenging sports she has participated in. The workout she undergoes each Sunday morning (as well as 2-3 nights a week) not only keeps her body healthy but mentally prepares her for the week ahead, furthermore relieves aggression. She feels that the encouragement between the women and the feminist overtone of the organization is foremost in the league and hopes it won’t be overshadowed by the appeal Of seeing women in short skirts throwing each other around.

The Rock-a-Wheelie Show, September 24

WHAT IS THIS?
Talk Derby To Me is a sports column that reports on the bodacious bouts of the Brew City Bruisers. Here are some abbreviations and slang so you too can talk derby!
8’s- The Crazy 8’s, MM- Maiden Milwaukee, SK- Shevil Knevils, RR- Rushin Rollettes
Zebras- referees, Bruiser Stadium- The Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 60th and Ryan roads. You can learn more on gameplay and derby history at brewcitybruisers.com.

BRUISERS RUN AMOK
The derby violence started early in September. I was enjoying a Drag King performance by the talented Miltown Kings at the Miramar, when the Bruisers in the audience were called onstage by MC Jack B. Nimble to promote the upcoming bout. The group mostly consisted of Shevil Knevils. I haven’t seen a motley crew of biker chicks like this since my 21st birthday, but you don’t want to hear that story. Out of nowhere Mia Oww(8’s) tackles Miranda Wrights(SK) onstage!
“I’m just crazy is all… Miranda was standing there all cute, practically screaming for a beating.” Oww confided in me.
Furthermore, that same night I witnessed Jenerous Beatings(8’s) start in on a drinking contest with cartoonist J.Jason Groschopf. He illustrates the Counter- Productive strip that appears here in UnderCurrents, among other places. Look over there to the right, on the comics page. And who won the one hour PBR drink off?
“JB did, by one beer.” Reported a confuzzled Groschopf, holding a bag of ice to his head. But this utter madness was just a warm up to the action about to unfold at Bruiser Stadium.
THE ROCK-A-WHEELIE SHOW, September 24
First Half, Crazy 8’s vs Maiden Milwaukee
The theme was all things wheeled, as you might of guessed. If you think about it, roller derby has evolved a lot since the idea was first conceived by cavewomen.
Beezlebelle(MM) and Cookie Ciano(8’s) were the first jammers for the hectic first jam. Servin Justice(8’s) hammered into Madd Mallett (MM) and Sexi Mexi (MM) brought a fiesta of fists to Ciano while Kat Scratch Fever was knocked clear out of the rink.
By the next jam not even the 8’s mascot, a ninja, was safe as he was tackled by the bevy of Drag Queens guarding the penalty box. Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul (MM) were both in the zone and helped keep the Maidens neck and neck with the 8’s. One thing was keeping them back, and that’s the mighty blocking power of Servin Justice. Grace Killy and Pabsty Cline tangled more than once and soon Cline crashed right next to this reporter’s feet. The last jam ended with the Maidens down 30-37.

Shevil Knevils vs Rushin Rollettes
The Knevils took some hard knocks early on and weren’t able to catch up to the Rollettes, who were cruising like vodka on a lonely Siberian night. Reina Pain, Smirk Savage, and Pound Anya sped the Rollettes ahead despite opposition from Alovicious, Trash Talkin Tina, and Punch Kisser. Holly DeClaw stayed ahead of Pistolero despite being clotheslined Knevil style. Punch Kisser had the lead but the jam was called off when Reina Pain had a skate malfunction.
HALFTIME BREAK
The Beerleaders, who have some new recruits, did a routine to a bumped up version of “Brand New Key” by Melanie including a very leggy rockette like kickline. There was a Zebra race with four refs representing the teams racing Big Wheels. A guest ref from the Twin Cities roller derby league, won the race for the Maidens.

UPSET! Maiden Milwaukee wins over Crazy 8’s 73-70
The EMTs were called in after Nancy 17(MM) landed on her tail bone, the first of a series of injuries in the second half. Mia Oww twisted her foot, took off her skate and crawled around. The Sea Hag called off a jam after being knocked over with a knee injury. True to form, she refused to take off her mask to reveal her secret identity. This is the real deal. It’s a fast paced sport and the possibility of injury is always around the corner. At the end it appeared the 8’s had won by one point, 78-77.
Then, after the Rollettes and Knevils finished their bout, the Zebras made a surprise announcement- do to some screw up, the Maidens were apparently the winners with a score of 73-70. The crowd gasped in shock. Fortunately for us all this was an early bout and there was no alcohol, derby fueled riot.
“The 8’s hit the snot out of us and played really tough. We really had to step our game up in the second half to pull out the win.” Stated the gracious Grace Killy.
I also asked head ref Snaps Smear about the scoring discrepancy.
“It was a software problem exasperated by poor communication. There will be a system in place to prevent anything like that at the next bout.” Hey, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few skulls.
Rollettes stomp Knevils 67-45
Pistolero kept getting knocked over but bounced back up with a vengeance, and ultimately ended up in the penalty box. The EMTs again had to pay a visit when Whiskey Dixie crashed. “I took a digger on my shoulder…the EMT’s popped a lil bone back in place and I’m on the ice bag train for 24 hours.” Dixie stated.
Becky The Butcher mixed it up with Roadie Foster, and both were sent packing.
“The Butcher was gunning for me that entire jam. Asking me if the Rollettes always cheat, why we’re all so ugly, and generally talking trash. I replied by asking her if the Shevils had even bothered to wake up for the game. That’s when Butcher shoulder checked me. I retaliated by grabbing her in a headlock and pulling her down.” Roadie Foster explained. Had she put the incident behind her?
“The Rollettes don’t even have to be playing for me to take Butcher down next time I see her.” I looks the Butcher better walk softly and carry a big meat cleaver.
The Rollettes started to fill up the penalty box with the likes off Reina Pain and Liv Wrong. The bout ended with an exciting battle royale style fight, with Knevils and Rollettes piling on refs Snaps Smear and Swing Wreck! Shazam! The Rollettes won by 22 points.
The Bruiser’s next bout is Saturday, October 28 at 7PM. You can get more info at brewcitybruisers.com You can join the Talk Derby To Me myspace group at
Groups.myspace.com/talkderbytome

Featured Bruiser- Kinky Tuscadero

#00, Maiden Milwaukee profile by Hannah Mog
Carrie, AKA Kinky Tuscadero, is a Derby girl extraordinaire.
As a teacher, artist, single mother and member of Maiden Milwaukee, Carrie has a truly full plate. From the age of 8 when she watched Derby with her grandpa and proclaimed she wished to be “Roller Derby Queen of the World,” it was destined to be. With the formation of the Bruisers she was given her chance to fulfill those childhood dreams.
She admits that the schedule and demands of derby have been a sacrifice, but she feels the benefits of being involved in such a female focused sport are well worth whatever costs.
As a mother of a 10 year old, Lili, she says it’s not only for herself, it’s for her daughter as well. Carrie wants Lili to grow up to be a strong, feminist woman and what better way to do that then to surround her with strong female role models?
It is for this reason that Lili attends most practices and is involved as a Grease Monkey, the Maidens’ mascots, at bouts. She has even given herself the derby name of Tiger Lili.
It is the sense of camaraderie and sisterhood that has brought Kinky to the league and it is the support and friendship formed that keeps it worthwhile. She wishes to thank her friends and fellow derby girls for their support because without them her involvement wouldn’t be possible. Kinky, like many of the women on the league, is an example of what being a strong, independent woman is about.

RESURRECTION DAY bout- August 11

There’s a really great Simpsons episode that features an ad parody for the Canyonero, an SUV that has “Four wheel drive, smells like a steak and seats thirty five” as well as being “twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride.” The music is really honky tonk, along the lines of the theme of Rawhide. The percussion is emphasized with the sound of a bullwhip cracking and the refrain is a cowboy call of Canyonero…CANYONERO!” What does this have to do with the Brew City Bruisers?
I think Pistolero(SK) should get her own theme song, similar to the Canyonero theme. If there are any musicians out there interested in recording this, contact me c/o Undercurrents. (UPDATE- a band is actually recording this! I'll let y'all know when it's done!)
Pistolero helps with PR for the Bruisers. I talked to her a few days before the Bruiser’s first official bout on August 11. She was a bit anxious and maybe overwhelmed. After all it’s no small feat to help transform the Milwaukee County Sports Complex on (60th and Ryan road in Franklin) into Bruiser Stadium. To help transport the masses, a fleet of shuttle Canyoneros (I mean school buses, sorry that song is stuck in my head now.) was organized with stops at popular watering holes in Riverwest, the East side, Bay View and Racine. A lot of excitement had built up for this day, but with excitement comes performance pressure.
RESURRECTION DAY – The Return of Roller Derby
On the 11th at about 4:30PM I was hanging out with a crew of Beerleaders in the backyard of head beerleader Kim N’ Tonic. The sun was high and the gals were doing some last minute touch ups- trying to find an earring backing, adjusting their hair and fishnet stockings. I was then Bruiser bound with Robin Ya’Blind and Phyllis Swiller. The endless Milwaukee County road construction slowed us down and made the anticipation greater.
When we got there the Beerleaders headed to the locker room and I entered the arena to find a good seat. My immediate thought was that I was somehow reminded of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video. It must have had something to do with the lighting, the Beerleaders and the music. The Bruisers were warming up and the crowd was flowing in, many of them with hand made signs supporting their favorite teams or players. A proclamation was read by Smashalina Jolie(8’s), stating that the City of Milwaukee has declared August 11 as Brew City Bruisers Day, signed by Mayor Tom Barrett. At last, a new holiday that doesn’t revolve around a dead white dude! A rousing rendition of “God Bless America” was then played on the Bagpipes and the teams were introduced by Uncle Fun. Announcer Professor Pickles couldn’t make it so he was replaced by his twin brother, Dexter Stuffins.
First Half- The CRAZY 8’s 35 v.s SHEVIL KNEVILS 32
The 8’s came out of the gate full speed with strong showings from Captain Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline in the first jams.. Smashalina Jolie was the first to visit the penalty box, a structure made of fencing with flashing police lights and three vivacious Drag Queens guarding it, one wielding a rider’s crop. Yowtch!
Lethal Weapon(8’s) scrapped with Crazy Janie(SK), the first of many brawls for Weapon. Look out for her!
Pistolero (cue the theme song) was cruising with a strong lead but fell and was passed up by Cookie Ciano. The Shevils caught up and tied the score after showings by Alovicious and Punch Kisser, who blasted through the pack despite many attempts to topple her. Lethal Weapon was back for trouble and got it when she bumped heads with Nova Hotspike(SK) and the Amazonian Boom Boom Bender(SK), with Weapon and Bender both sent to the penalty box.
Jam 9 was an intense one as Cookie Ciano and Disco Insterno raced neck and neck and pivots Kat Scratch Fever and Becky the Butcher tried to bump each other off the map. The last jam saw Punch Kisser cruising hard but unable to outgun Abba Zabba(8’s).
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 47 MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 47
Holly DeClaw(RR) and Grace Killy(MM) were the jammers for the wild first jam in which DeClaw was knocked over and Sexi Mexi(MM) was pushed into the crowd. Next up Reina Payne(RR) brought down a rain of pain and damaged Damnaged Goods(MM) and the mysterious and elusive Sea Hag(MM) was sent to the penalty box for her trickery. Kinky Tuscadero(MM) proved her powerful blocking strengths by slowing down Pound Anya(RR) and Poptart(RR). Killer Jiller(MM) was pushed into the Beerleaders on the sidelines as Boner(RR) sprung up into the lead. Rejected Seoul(MM) was knocked over more than once, and was none to happy, and screamed out a curse to let us know. Poptart and Sea Hag were the last jammers, and the score was tied.
HALFTIME
A tiebreaker consisted of Poptart and Sexi Mexi having a pillow fight at the beginning of Halftime, and Caramba! Mexi was determined the winner by the audience. The Beerleaders did a great dance routine to “Supersonic” and there was a rollerskate breakdancing performance by Breaksk8. I caught part of their act and was impressed but then turned my attention to slamming a couple of delicious Riverwest Steins.
Whoever decided to keep this beer in stock is a genius.
SECOND HALF
CRAZY 8’s 66 wins over SHEVIL KNEVILS 57
More strong showings from Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline(8’s). Milwaukee’s Breast(SK) tangled with Lethal Weapon, but was able to maintain her lead. Mel Evolence(8’s) found herself in the penalty box, and soon so did Nova Hotspike(SK) and Little Miss Tuffhit(8’s), as I’ll describe in this nursery rhyme-
Little Miss Tuffhit
Was handed some rough shit
During the middle of play
Along came a Zebra
And said “We’ll see ya”
And sent Hotspike and Tuffhit away
Thank you, thank you, I’ll look back on this moment fondly when I’m named Milwaukee’s poet laurete. Becky the Butcher(Captain, SK) put in a strong effort but it wasn’t enough to save the Knevils.
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 75 wins over MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 61
The two teams were in hot pursuit of each other all night. Jammers Pound Anya, Boner, and Ching Ching Pow made life difficult for the Maidens, and eventually pushed the score in their favor. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Said good ol’ Bill Shakespere and you don’t have to tell that to Beezlebelle , the devilish Maiden marked with 666, the number of the beast. She put in a hell of a fight but had trouble keeping ahead of Smirk Savage(RR). Maully Malone(MM) ended up in the penalty box. The Rollettes widened the gap and won by fourteen points.
The Bruisers next match is Sunday, September 24th at 3PM
You can check out more at brewcitybruisers.com

Featured Bruiser- Jenerous Beatings

Here's the first featured Bruiser, the wonderful Jenerous Beatings. This was before I had the good sense to have Hannah Mog write our Bruiser profiles. Beatings is one of The Crazy 8's, #64 and her tagline is "Let the Beatings Begin"

Jenerous was born in a South African jungle. She was abandoned by her parents and abducted by Norwegian fishermen. She was sent to a small dojo in Osaka, Japan, where she was taught by Master Ken Murakami. He was assassinated by ninjas. After a bloody showdown, Beatings demanded to be taught the ways of the ninja clan. She eventually found her path to Milwaukee and the Crazy 8’s.

BRUISERS DEMO BOUTS from SUMMERFEST

Note- I wrote this first column way, way, way back in July, reporting on the Bruiser's pre season demo match up at Summerfest. It also has some introductory material to the sport, and ooh, bonus, this is the longer unedited version! By now, I bet you’ve heard of the Brew City Bruisers, Milwaukee’s own kick ass roller derby league. You’ve seen them featured in various alternative weeklies, alternative monthlies, glossy Milwaukee themed magazines, websites, and the daily paper. Maybe you even saw Guy Smiley do a report on them for Action Slacks news at 9. I think they all jumped the gun and turned in the same story, basically, so I’ll keep my recapping brief.

SEVENTY ONE YEARS OF RICH HISTORY CONDENSED TO A PARAGRAPH AND A HALFRoller Derby has a long and colorful history, dating back to Chicago, 1935. It started as an endurance game, similar to dance marathons of the time, to see what team of two could skate 3,000 miles first. It was the brainchild of Leo Seltzer. The game evolved at the suggestion of sportswriter (and probable elbow fetishist) Damon Runyon, who observed the most exciting part was the skaters elbowing past each other. The game changed and continued on through the years, it’s popularity dipping and rising. It was popular in the 50’s and in the 70’s was revived again. The popularity produced many Roller Derby publications and television shows over the years. One of the most over the top shows was Rollergames, which lasted just one season (1989-1990). The show featured a figure 8 track, with one end banked into a “Wall of Death”. It featured halftime performances from Warrant and Lita Ford, and as a tiebreaker a race around a pit filled with live alligators!
The new revival of the game started five years ago or so and is a grassroots, D.I.Y., co-op like set up, with some good old fashioned punk rock thrown in for good measure. The girls run the show instead of weasels in cheap suits smoking cigars. It’s a sisterhood whose mantra might be “we only came to kick some ass”. It’s caught on like wildfire with leagues putting wheels to the wax across the country in cities big and small. A reality show based on the Austin, TX league, Rollergirls, was shown last year on the A and E network. If you want to read more on Derby history, I recommend starting with wikipedia.org ‘s entry on Roller Derby.

BRUISERS LEAP INTO ACTION!That brings us to our own fearsome females of the four wheels. The idea was conceived when some enterprising Milwaukee women took in a Windy City Rollers bout in Chicago. They began recruiting through flyers, myspace, and word on the street. Soon they had enough roller warriors to split into four teams. They even have their own cheering squad, the Beerleaders, and a crew of referees (referred to from now on as “Zebras”). To show they’re stand up type of gals; they give proceeds of many of their events to various charities. And these events so far- shows, dance parties, karaoke parties, rummage sales- have not only raised dough but have proven the league has a legion of fans ready for the DERBY ACTION! And that’s what this column is about- THE ACTION! The swooshing of elbows, the crunching of bone, the squealing of rollerskate wheels!

HOW THE GAME IS PLAYEDIf you really want to get an idea of what game play is like, you really should watch a bout. You’ll start to catch on after a couple jams. A jam is a round of play that lasts two minutes or until the lead jammer calls the jam by placing her hands on her hips and smiling benignly.
To start, a Zebra blows a whistle and the pack takes off. Each team has three blockers, and a pivot. You might think the jammers are the star of the game, but don’t underestimate the pivot. In fact I have a good idea for a bumper sticker- I PIVOT FOR PIVOTS. The pivots control the speed of the pack, block, and keep an eye on the jammers. The blockers try to stop the other teams jammer and propel their own forward. After this pack is about twenty feet down the track, the Zebra blows a second whistle and the jammers take off. They work their way through the pack, and race around the track to work their way through the pack again. They start scoring points this second time around for each opposing team member they pass.

WAIT…. THERE’S RULES?It may seem to be a sport of anarchy, but it is a controlled anarchy. The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association has a set of Standardized Flat Track Roller Derby Rules. It covers aspects of game play, including punishable offences. To get an idea of some penalties, let’s look at the column header drawn by Coth. Several violations jump out at us. Pulling hair violates rule 6.2.4.2.7 “Intentional, negligent, or reckless pulling of the head, neck, or helmet.” Her victim has ignored 6.2.4.2.5 “(No) biting.” Although there is no specific rule against swordplay, we can suspect it is an “Illegal Procedure” 6.2.1 of some kind. See the derby girl leaning out to the right? I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s going to engage one of the players in a “noogie” or “knuckle sandwich”, which is also a violation of 6.2.4.2.7.
More than one of these women could be called on 6.2.4.6.8 “Jumping onto or into a pile of fighting skaters (“dog pile”)”.

How many of these women are in violation of 6.2.2.2.1 “Gross unsports-lady-like conduct” is a tough call to make.


BRUISERS SUMMERFEST EXPO BOUTSThe Bruisers had two sets of expo bouts at Summerfest at the Sentry Sports Zone Stage, to show off what a Bruisers bout will look like in condensed form. Foot traffic on the pathway behind the stage was congested, and I soon saw why- people were rubbernecking the assembled teams waiting to hit the rink. The stands filled up quickly, and so did the standing room. A crew quickly began to set up a makeshift rink by setting up rope and police tape as boundaries. The Zebras assembled, a team of seven if I counted right. Some follow the action on skates and others stay in the middle of the rink keeping score. The Beerleaders warmed the crowd up with some naughty cheers. As they allude to in one of their cheers, they look like a gang of girls you might find smoking in the bathroom in High School.
Uncle Fun and Professor Pickles from The Mistreaters acted as MCs, which is fitting since their motto is “If you don’t find trouble, it’ll find you.” As they introduced the sport, the entire league skated around them and the roaring of dozens and dozens of skates was a great sound. It was quite a sight!

Sunday, July 2
The CRAZY 8’S- 28 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 26 pointsThe Crazy 8’s have embraced the ancient art of ninjistu for the team style. They wear kimono style shirts. As they were introduced, some of them brandished sinister looking weapons. The team Captain is Cookie Ciano (#K8) co-captain is Queen Latina (#1969).
Maiden Milwaukee has a heartwarming hometown look with pink bowler shirts. They have a pretty wild line up. The Captain is Killer Jiller (#KJ-47) the co-captain is Jenn Erator (#35), who looks like an innocent enough girl, but anyone who saw her beat the skins (I’m talking about playing the drums!) for the rockin band Wrecker should know not to be deceived. The Maiden’s also have one the sport’s most mysterious players-The Sea Hag (#20,000). She wears a grotesque green mask and little is known about her identity. Where does she come from? It’s one of the great mysteries of our time.
The second whistle blew and the jammers flew out the gate, with Servin Justice (#2) jamming for the Crazy 8’s and Grace Killy (#1) cruising for the Maidens. Justice sped through the pack quickly, scoring the league’s first points. The next jammer for the Maidens was Pixie Punch (#16) who flew around the track quickly. The next Jam featured the much anticipated first brawl of the season between the Maiden’s Madd Mallett (#99) and the 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline (#.08) who was just about to push her way through the pack. The crowd cheered wildly as the two wrestled each other to the ground. Grace Killy returned to the jammer position and managed to elbow her way through the pack despite tough resistance from Kat Scratch Fever (#999). The bout ended with another speedy showing from Pixie Punch. The Beerleaders took center stage for a half time show. Here’s part of one of their cheers, so you can get an idea- Titty Titty Bang Bang/ Watch the Bruisers do their thang/ we’ve got rock and we’ve got roll/ watch the Bruisers take control/ Crazy 8’s, Rushin’Rollettes, Maiden Milwaukee, Shevil Knevils/ GO BRUISERS!

RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 46 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 37
The Rollettes have a Cold War Russian spy look. They received some hissing from the crowd, but don’t worry ladies. We at Talk Derby To Me love dirty commies as much as we love red blooded Americans. They are led by Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch (#1:6) who looks like she might be your friendly neighborhood librarian, but beware of the Russian dominatrix within. The co-Captain is Poptart (#10.2). The Shevil Knevils have a 70’s daredevil image similar to their namesake, Evel Knievel. They have a rough, raw power line up that looks like they could come out of a barroom brawl victorious. Becky the Butcher (#99 cents) is the team captain. She is heavily tattooed and there is a rumor in the stands that she is descended from a long line of Irish bare knuckle boxers. The co-Captain is Crazy Janie (#2.5).

The first Jam had the Rollette’s Holly DeClaw (#20) and the Shevil’s The Punch Kisser (#25) a very tough face off. DeClaw was in the lead until she collided with Miranda Wrights (#1848) without reading her rights. Smirk Savage (#4) stepped in as jammer and overtook The Punch Kisser. Despite additional smack downs by The Butcher and The Punch Kisser, the Shevils weren’t able to close the nine point gap.

In a surprise end to the evening, one of the Zebras, Snaps Smear, proposed to Sugar Tank (#96, Shevil Knevils) in the middle of the rink. A true relationship forged in grit and scrapped elbows, and best of luck to them.

Monday, July 3
The CRAZY 8’s- 25 vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23The fireworks came early today as jammers Termiskater(#T2, crazy 8’s) and Pixie Punch(#16, Maidens) launched down the track. Pixie left nothing but a trail of pixie dust as she flew through the pack, scoring 3 points. The Termiskater caught the 8’s up in the next jam. Grace Killy jammed out the next round and did some showboating, the crowd loved it! The mysterious Sea Hag was the next jammer for the Maidens, she creepily slinked her way quickly through the pack, despite numerous attempts to topple her. A vicious fight broke out between Mia Oww (# $29.95, 8’s) and Killer Jiller (#KJ-47), Captain of the Maidens. I asked Oww later about her spiller with Killer Jiller, and luckily she walked away from the clash with just a cut to the inside of her lip. The 8’s were down by two, when Servin’ Justice (#02, 8’s) entered as jammer and shot through a couple jams, an unstoppable force scoring eight points and putting the 8’s ahead. The last jam was the most action packed. Jammer Damnaged Goods (#80) took down almost the entire pack, but attention switched quickly to a wild rumble between A Lethal Weapon (#10, 8’s) and Nancy 17 (#17, Maidens). Even bunny eared Zebra Swing Wreck wasn’t safe from the violence. Yowza! The stands were buzzing with introspective contemplation as the Beerleaders treated the crowd to more sweet natured aggression.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES- 43 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 42It was a close one throughout the entire bout. Today the Knevils had their own cheering section in the stands, chanting their name. The smack downs came early as Ivanna Smackdavitch(#1:6) tangoed with Nova Hotspike (#3, Shevils). Jammers Fly Girl (#1974, Rollettes) and The Punch Kisser (#25, Shevils) were racing shoulder to shoulder, with Punch Kisser, pushing ahead. The next few jams showed a close pursuit between Smirk Savage (#4, Rollettes) and Alovicous (#8, Shevils) and Pop Tart (#10.2, Rollettes) and Trash Talkin Tina (#59, Knevils). By now, only one point separated the teams, a real nail biter. Boner (#6, Rollettes) made a bid for the lead, but was knocked over by aggressive blockers more than once. Ching Ching Pow (#.357, Rollettes) managed to shove her way past pivot Disco Insterno (#11, Shevils) and in the last jam Fly Girl scored the game point, landing the game for the Rollettes by just one point.

The real season for the Bruisers starts Friday, August 11th at 7PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 West Ryan Road, Franklin. Talk Derby To Me will be there and so should you!
Check out the Bruiser’s website for more info- brewcitybruisers.com
The Bruisers, all four teams, the Beerleaders, and referees all have their own myspace pages.

Talk Derby To Me...ONLINE!

Whoop whoop whoop! I wish I would have gotten online sooner, but I also wish I had a tree that grew crisp hundred dollar bills, now don't I?
I won't bore you with the details, but our website www.undercurrentz.com has not been updated since August due to a long list of human and technical problems.
So I am maintaining this blog myself. This is really great, because I can update with columns and pictures whenever I want, and you can leave feedback (and please do!) I am going to start by reprinting all of the columns I've done this season.
IT"S TIME TO TALK DERBY!