THE ROLLER DERBY FREAK SHOW

Here is the new column that will appear in the Nov.15 UnderCurrents. This column is reporting on the bout that happened back on Halloween weekend, Oct.28. So, BOO! Maybe that’ll get you back in the mindset of the awesome combined forces of the supernatural and Roller Derby.

The Crazy 8’s V.S. Rushin Rollettes, First half

This was a hotly anticipated match up. The Rollettes were thus far undefeated, and the 8’s had suffered just one controversial loss the previous bout. After apparently winning by one point, it was declared that they had in fact lost by three points. Surely they must have felt an ancient need for vengeance, like a ninja star sailing toward it’s target. They were down a few players however, including Beatings, Oww, and Latina.

The Rollettes are crafty. When they rolled out they announced that they had changed their name to “The Eggrollers”. The Rollettes slag the 8’s by calling them “Eggrollers” while the 8’s call the Rollettes “Team Pretty”. However, I also believe that the Rollettes did this as a dirty commie trick to confuse the masses.

The 8’s brought their A game, constantly rotating a line up of four talented jammers- Captain Cookie Ciano, Pabsty Cline, Abba Zabba, and Termiskater. They also played a strong defense. For example in one jam I saw speedy jammer Fly Girl repeatedly pummeled and knocked over by 8’s blockers.

“They were plotting I tell you. Plotting!” Fly Girl informed me.

It is this aggressive blocking that quickly sent two 8’s, Servin Justice and A Lethal Weapon, to the penalty box (also known as the “kennel” or “the cage guarded by dangerous Drag Queens”) . A word to the wise- look out for these two! They’ll slam into you and ten mothers that look just like you without batting an eye.

According to the official penalty sheet, Weapon herself collected 3 pushing penalties, 2 illegal blocking penalties and a chasing penalty. Toward the end Jackie O’Nihilate was sent to the kennel for one minute, leaving the Rollettes with no jammer. Rollettes Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch was pointing to 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline, screaming, “Take her out!” and at one point threw down her clipboard in disgust. The 8’s led 57-37.

Shevil Knevils V.S. Maiden Milwaukee, First Half

An audible gasp of shock was heard when Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher skated around the rink holding an actual skinned cow head. Everyday is Halloween for Sea Hag, who, as usual slunk quickly through the pack with Trash Talkin Tina right on her heels. Grace Killy was bumped down by Bump Kitty, but bounced back. The crowd loves it when she pulls ahead and showboats by skating backwards. The Knevils were trailing 19-32 at halftime.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did an excellent routine to “Thriller” with their own red leather clad Michael Jackson zombie. I want to do the moonwalk just thinking about it. Infamous UnderCurrents contributor J.Jason Groschopf netted second place in the costume contest for his sweet Ghostbuster (Venkmein to be exact) costume. First place went to a dude in an elaborate Bender (of Futureama) costume.

Crazy 8’s beat Rushin Rollettes 82-55

Two jams in and Liv Wrong was hit in the head.

“I actually got a mild concussion! I hit the ground super hard, as I got up someone skated by and kicked me full force in the back of the head. I saw stars! …I thought I’d have a moment to regroup…I didn’t because Ivanna was yelling at me to get in formation for the next jam. The rest of the bout is a blur. Afterwards I opted to drink through the concussion rather than seek medical attention. I still don’t know who kicked me, but I’d put money on Smashalina Jolie. I’ve known her since I was four and she’s a certifiable jerk.” Was Smashalina the culprit? I was determined to find out.

“Maybe it was me and maybe it wasn’t. The way of the ninja is to get in, fight, and leave without a trace. Liv and Smash have had it out for each other since fourth grade. She’ll never admit to this, but she used to steal from other kid’s lunches. Especially if they had snack packs in them. Wanna distract Liv Wrong? Dangle a container of pudding in front of her, she’ll forget what she’s doing instantly! After years of retaliation, we’re both in roller derby. Did I kick her in the head? Maybe. Let’s just say that puddin’ eating, boyfriend stealing, prank calling, trash talking adversaries aren’t going to make it too far past me or my Crazy 8’s” Smashalina relayed to me.

A couple jams later, Holly DeClaw hit the ground so hard her that her jammer patch sprung off her helmet as an avalanche of skaters fell on her.

“I was tackled like a football player. It was a bit of a shocker, but I recovered just fine.” DeClaw maintains. Smirk Savage and Reina Pain put in strong showings, but couldn’t push the team ahead. By the end of match Jackie O’Nihilate looked completely exhausted.

Maiden Milwaukee bests Shevil Knevils 67-41

Then wild times were rolling as Maully Malone (fun fact- her namesake comes from a traditional Irish song about a women who pushes a wheelbarrow full of shellfish through the streets of Dublin.) was sent to the kennel. A brawl busted out between Pistolero(SK) and Rejected Seoul(MM).

“Pistolero tried to ride the Seoul Train, but only a Maiden can be my caboose. The next time I see her on the track she better watch her back, because the working class might kick her ass!” Rejected Seoul told me. Not surprisingly, Pistolero had a different take.
“Rejected Seoul felt the fury in my pistol packed punches. She’s learned a valuable lesson about crossing my path- a mistake she won’t make again.”

Punch Kisser was also sent to the box where she tried to escape and rassled a Drag Queen, leaving no jammer for the Knevils. Disco Insterno and Madd Mallett were sent packing. Sea Hag and Milwaukee’s Breast faced off in a close tit for tat race. The last jam feature a rare appearance of Maiden Captain Killer Jiller in the jammer position. Her team won by a 26 point lead. This makes the Maidens, 8’s, and Rollettes tied with 2 wins, 1 loss each, with the Knevils in the basement. It’ll be interesting to see which teams emerge victorious in the semi finals. As announcer Rex Chapman likes to say,

“Let’s line them up for ooooooone more!”

The Bruisers semi finals are Sun. November 19th at 4PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W.Ryan rd. Find out more at brewcitybruisers.com

Yowza! Now you can read all of the Talk Derby To Me columns and more at
www. talk derby.blogspot.com