RAH! RAH! RAH! WANT TO BE A BEERLEADER?

“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” Whiskey Longstocking is calling off the steps to “Supersonic,” a bouncy hip hop song by JJ Fad. This is day one, April 14, of the two day audition process for the Beerleaders, the cheer squad for the Brew City Bruisers roller derby league. The returning Beerleaders from last year, the first season, demonstrate the routine and then Whiskey leads them through the first part.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” The audition is taking place at Bucketworks, a converted warehouse space that bills itself as a “fitness center for the brain”. The tryouts are in the dance studio on the second floor. Some people might say the room is beat up, but I say it has character. Ancient radiators line one wall, and a pipe sprinkler system zig zags the ceiling. The floor is lined with tape and is warped by water damage in one corner. The other wall is a collection of mirrors.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” A pleasant breeze shoots through the open window, along with the call of seagulls. Whiskey has shown them the second set of steps, and now they are going to try to do both sets of steps together.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 1-2,3-4, 5-6, 7-8.” They go through this a couple times, slowly.
The audition had begun an hour earlier.
There are six returning Beerleaders, Phyllis Swiller, Robin Ya’Blind, Anais Sin, Tipsy Lipsy, Pussy LaGore, and Whiskey Longstocking. There were several other Beerleaders who were part of the squad, but as is often the case, several moved, or became wrapped up in work or school.
“It is a time commitment.” Robin Ya’Blind stresses to the recruits, six of which have shown up today. All of the women present are sitting in a circle on the floor. The recruits are filling out an application titled “Want to be a Beerleader?” Then the Beerleaders begin telling them the history of the squad, which began with a winter of 2006 meeting at Broad Vocabulary, a feminist bookstore in Bay View. They began looking at rehearsal spaces, eventually calling Bucketworks home.
“We’re not your average cheerleaders.” Swiller says, smiling.
They then go around the circle explaining why they are here today.
“I was a cheerleader for twelve years in school, and when I saw you at Summerfest (for a Bruiser expo bout) I missed being part of a group of girls…”
“I was a cheerleader in high school, but I was the fat one with purple streaks in my hair.”
“I hang out with a lot of guys and thought this would be a great way to exercise and socialize with women…”
“… when I talk about the Beerleaders, my face just lights up and I get a little twinkle in my eye…”
Someone mentions they didn’t feel like possibly spraining a leg or getting their teeth knocked out by strapping on skates with the Bruisers. But the Beerleaders have some war stories of their own, bruises and twisted ankles. This leads Robin Ya’Blind to talk about more potential strains. She is articulate and precise.
“We like to be individuals, but we also need to work together as a team. You need to work with others and keep a positive attitude and keep dancing. Learn the basics of derby so you know when to cheer. Be an open communicator. It’s tough to work with all women.” As dance choreographer, Pussy agrees.
“You’re going to get frustrated and pissed off at me. But it all comes together. Somehow it always does.” They outline a typical Beerleader practice. A half hour of stretching, an hour of dancing, followed by a half hour of talking about cheers, upcoming events, costume ideas (“By the way, fishnet stockings are on clearance at Target”), etc. They mention time commitment again.
“One time we were practicing in someone’s backyard at 9 at night.”
They go over what an actual bout is like. The recruits must get used to the fact that they will be facing huge crowds of people, many armed with flash cameras.

“WE ARE ROUGH AND WE ARE TOUGH, WE’RE THE BRUISERS AND WE’LL FUCK YOU UP!”
“Okay, Let’s try it together now. We are rough (clap) we are tough we’re the Bruisers (clap) and we’ll (right punch) fuck you (left punch) up (extend arm and flip the bird).” They go over it a couple times. They go on to a new cheer, “On Your Knees”.
“WHAT DO YOU DO TO A BRUISER YOU MEET? YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, YOU CAN NOT PRAY ON YOUR FEET, YOU ASK THE MIGHTY BRUISER FOR HER MERCY TO GIVE AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE (Quadruple clap) SHE’LL LET YOU LIVE!”
After a water break, they do some stretches and exercises to get ready for practicing the aforementioned “Supersonic” routine. They do jumping jacks, leg lifts, kung fu kicks, the Riverdance, a cabaret kick, arm stretches, toe touches, palm plants, the London bridge, and more. Then Whiskey starts counting it off.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!”

DAY 2
It’s a lazy Sunday. The Beerleaders are sitting around chatting and examining the auditioning girl’s forms. Anais Sin sits on the floor sprinkling mozzarella cheese on tortillas and eating them.
“There’s a microwave downstairs you know.” Someone says. She shrugs. Then a recruit tells about her Saturday night.
“My husband wanted to go to the Riverhorse at 3AM. I told him they were closed and I had to work in the morning anyhow, so he rolled down his window and was yelling, spelling out lame…L-A-M-E-! over and over.” After a run through of the cheers, they do warm ups. Phyllis Swiller is sitting on the floor, handwriting six evaluation forms for the recruits, who will have to perform the “Supersonic” routine in front of everyone solo.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and make copies on the copy machine?”
“Does it even work?”
“You don’t know until you ask!”
“Cause every time I try to use it, it doesn’t work.”
“Well, then, that machine’s just a cocktease.”
At 2PM the individual auditions begin to “Supersonic”. After each audition there is note writing on the evaluation forms and general small talk, including speculation on the size of Orlando Bloom’s package. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloom, the consensus is that it’s probably pretty small.
Each girl does a fine job remembering the “1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8.”
“I have to say we did an amazing job, it was like a real try out.” Swiller tells me. She makes an announcement to the group, who is assembling their backpacks, water bottles, and other gear.
“Thanks for showing up, everyone, I’ll give you a call on Wednesday and let you know.”