BACK TO SCHOOL SHOWDOWN SEPTEMBER 18 2007

Note from The Krulos: In honor of the back to school showdown, I have included footnotes throughout, guaranteed to help you reach a nirvana like state of higher learning.

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOWDOWN SEPTEMBER 81 2007
I arrived way early for the first official bout of season two and got to see the bruise crew hard at work transforming the Milwaukee County Sports Complex into Bruiser Stadium for today's bloody after school special.
Everywhere Bruisers and volunteers were setting up tables, taping down the track, taping down signs, arranging and rearranging bleachers2, carrying ice and water, inspecting, changing, wandering, readjusting, introducing parents, scraping gunk off the track, etc., etc., and so on and so forth.

MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 74 points vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS 42 points
First Half
The Maidens made the audience think pink with a powerful performance that left the Shevils seeing stars despite their daredevilry. After stellar skating from Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul in the first two jams, the Maidens started with an eleven point head start. They kept it rolling, rolling, rolling, along with teammates Beezlebelle (Captain), Madd Mallett (co-captain), Mandini (rookie), and Sea Hag3 (nefarious witch). The Knevils
tried to roll with the punches and throw a few of their own. Punch Kisser and Becky the Butcher both bashed Grace Killy (((BOOM!))) but she kept going. Sea Hag was sent to the cage but shot out and through the pack when her time was up. The period ended with newbie Tam-A-Saurus Wreck’s 4 track time being extinct as she was sent to the cage.
I asked Wrecks to tell me about her trip to the penalty box and her impressions of her first official bout.
“I was sent to the penalty box for illegal fore arm use. I caught my finger on Bootsi Call's elbow pad and I have the bloody finger to show for it! Being in the box fucking sucks! It's hard to watch your team play knowing that they are skating one down because you are in the box! As for my first actual bout, I was born to play derby baby! I loved every second and can't wait until October!”
Second Half
Sea Hag's supernatural skating confuzzled her opponents, the triple T, Trash Talkin' Tina was sent to the penalty box for causing a kerfluffle, and Punch Kisser told the Maidens to kiss off in a couple of leading jams, but the Maidens maintained a large point gap throughout. Things ended dramatically when Sea Hag got popped in
the face (((crunch!))). The EMTs checked her out, but she carefully disguised her identity with a towel after removing her mask.
I asked Captain Beezlebelle to speculate on the Maiden's winning performance and she gave me a jazzy poetic saxophonic answer.
“My team is like a big ass pink party. We have fun. We stick together through all the thick, and all the thin. We are like peanut butter and speculation. And fun.”

RUSHIN' ROLLETTES 65 points vs. CRAZY 8'S 62 points
First Half
It was a tense match up between the ninjas and the commie operatives. Here's some raw, bone crunching notes of mine on the jams...
Jam 3- Poptart5, Boner baaaashed! Abba Zabba knocked over.
Jam 4- Some joker causes a false start with an air horn.
Jam 5- Mae Killya gets pushy (!!!) with Holly DeClaw.
Jam 6- Indiana Bones accidentally takes out ref Ming the Merciless6.
Jam 7- Jammers Abba Zabba and Smirk Savage and blocker Fidela Castrate all wipe out taking the corner (///CRASH!\\\)
Jam 9- Servin' Justice cracks Poptart (Ke-rrrrack!)
Jam 11- Little Miss Tuffhit eating curds and whey in the penalty box. Jailhouse Roxy knocked about repeatedly.(@#%!)
Second Half
“Go ninja go ninja GO!”7 The familiar rallying cry of the Crazy 8's. Visiting them on the bench was former teammate Tip-her Gore who now skates with the Gotham Girls Roller Derby in New York City. The score was tied up for several jams and both teams were trying mighty. Fidela Castrate and Reina Pain were asked to report to the principal's office, Abba Zabba slid through the first row of spectators, and newbie Kim N' Tonic threw down pieces of 8 on newbie Rollette jammer Dr. Hari Huha.
The last few jams were real nail biters, including one with a wild switch-a-roo. Abba Zabba was in the penalty box, so Reina Pain started the jam alone. Pain tangled with Indiana Bones, Zabba's penalty time was up, so she joined the fracas. The bell tolled for Pain, who was sent to the box and Captain Cookie Ciano started the next jam solo.
I asked newbie Indiana Bones 8 for her thoughts on the bout.
“It was the most intense, physically laborious, fun bout I have ever played. I am SO proud of my team, we played with a little over half our roster, and we played every jam like it was our first. Even though we didn't come through with a win, I couldn't have been happier to be a Crazy 8 that night. Go ninja!”
The last jam saw jammer Pabsty Cline to the cage. Servin Justice swiped Smirk Savage.9 Not surprisingly Savage had something to say about the evening.
“I'd like to say that I was surprised to hear that a lot of the 8s were so salty about the loss. Being that I'm the smack talkin' sore winner that I am I'd like to take this moment to offer up a huge platter of their own humble pie to go along with my dust. I heard after the bout that many of them were going on and on [during the bout] about how weak I am and how I can't take a hit... I guess that little theory fell flat on it's face. I'm no worse for wear today than I was the day before the bout... with the exception of a pretty damn sexy bruise on my rear. I may be small but I'm strong as the proverbial ox. Word up homeslice... put that in your pipe and smoke it.”
Fans from both teams were going nuts and as the clock runs out, the Rollettes won by three points.

FOOTNOTES
1 September 8 is International Literacy Day. Patsy Cline, MTV's Kennedy, Neko Case, and Pink were all born on September 8.

2 People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often are obsessed with arranging and rearranging items and are often frustrated with odd numbers. Soccer superstar David Beckham has OCD and admits he counts the cans of cola he keeps in his fridge, counts his clothes and places magazines in straight lines and symmetrical patterns.

3 The Sea Hag is also a character from the Popeye comic strip, first appearing in the 1930's. According to the bio at www.popeye.com, she 'owns 412 secret islands and hideouts.'
4 Tyrannosaurus Rex, the 'tyrant lizard' lived in the Upper Cretaceous period, 65-67 million years ago.

5 In 1994, Texas A&M University professor Patrick Michaud performed an experiment proving that, when left in the toaster too long, strawberry Pop-Tarts could produce flames over a foot high. The discovery triggered a flurry of lawsuits. Since then, Pop-Tarts carry the warning: 'Do not leave toasting appliances unattended due to possible risk of fire.
6 Emperor Ming the Merciless is the nemesis of Flash Gordon. He rules from Mingo City on the planet Mongo.