CHI TOWN/ SUMMERFEST BOUTS

JUNE 17- BREWCITY BRUISERS TRAVEL TEAM- 90 points vs. CHI TOWN SIRENS- 103 points
It was a hot day and millions of cicadas were buzzing, was it a bad omen? I cruised down to the Orbits roller rink with Jenerous Beatings, Pistolero, and fellow derby fans Dave and Evan. Our fearless travel team was set to match up against the Chi Town Sirens, one of two Chicago based leagues.
There were four jammers and they were all doing a great job, Reina Pain, Grace Killy, Cookie Ciano, and Rejected Seoul. The Sirens with the most jam time were Captain Beth Amphetamine, Donna D Apocalypse, and Karmageddon. The two teams were neck and neck the first period, ending with the nail biting score of 33-33!
In the second period we saw Ciano use her own teammate as a bowling ball to knock down the Sirens. Seoul and Pain were cruising through the pack like lightening, and the second period ended with the Bruisers behind by a close seven points.
The Bruisers took the lead in the third period. All the jammers were stepping up to kick some ass, but their lead started to disappear, as players were sent to the penalty box. But Jenerous Beatings thought the problem might be elsewhere.
“TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES!” she yelled several times to referee BB Wolfe. After the bout, however, he showed her that the sunglasses actually make things look lighter. Think Terminator or Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night”. The Sirens pulled ahead and won the match 103-90. Hey, those FIBs play a mean game! I got a chance to talk to Siren Captain Beth Amphetamine after the bout and here’s what she had to say:
“The teams were very evenly matched and the bout was hard fought until the end.... and then we all went out drinking. They are a great group of women. I’m looking forward to a re-match in Milwaukee!”

JULY 1
A nostalgic moment for this humble derby journalist, who started documenting the Bruise crew at their first expo bout at last year’s Summerfest. Go BRUISERS!

CRAZY 8’s- 19 points vs. RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 24 points
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline started the match off by facing newbie jammer Dr. Hari Huha. Each team has several newbies this year, and it looks like a fine bumper crop. Cline led, but heard a Huha not far behind her. Ivanna Smackdavitch is back in action, after sitting out much of last season, so look out!
Newbies Jail House Roxie (RR) and Kat Ass Trophy (8’s) faced off, along with season one all stars Fly Girl (RR) and Abba Zabba (8’s)

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 10 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 27 points
Romaniac might be the Maiden newbie jammer to look out for. She was cruising like a firecracker both days, swooping and smiling her way through the pack. There was a surreal moment when Bootsi Call (SK) who wasn’t even skated up, ran onto the track and tackled Grace Killy, Maiden jammer and Captain of the BCB travel team, who, by the way Bootsi is co-captain of. I asked Bootsi for an explanation to her behavior.
“I tolerated Grace Killy's sassiness and show boating while we captained the travel team together. But now that we're on different teams I can openly be her sworn enemy. I vow to take her down every time the Shevil's play the Maidens,whether I'm skating or not.
That girl is going to be on her ass one way or another. If I have to tackle her from the bench every time, so be it.”
“Bootsi's a big talker. It's just too bad she doesn't have the skills to back up her mouth.” Killy responded.
Sexi Mexi (MM) moshed Pistolero (SK) Maiden style, and newbies Mandini and Edna Gein and Evil’s Agent (all three MM) showed off their skills.

JULY 2
SHEVIL KNEVILS- 13 points vs. CRAZY 8’s- 22 points
Wow! Things were totally crazy on the track today. Everyone and their mothers were getting into brawls. It started almost immediately with Disco InSterno and Termiskater wrestling on the concrete, dragging in refs Swing Wreck and Machete Holiday, almost making zebra stew out of them. Bam a lam! Shevils Captain Becky The Butcher wasn’t joking around when she slammed down Kat Ass Trophy. Ka-Pow! Jenerous Beatings of the 8’s brang the beat down to Shevils co-captain, the mohawk sporting Sugar Tank.
Beatings told me about the lead up to the fight.
“She was ragging on me all day about how her team was going to win and the final straw was when she yanked on my hair during the jam. That was it. That bitch had to go down. I got a few good hits in. I bet she has a nice bruise on her ribcage right about now.”
Shhhhhmack! Next on the bad girls list is Norma Bates (SK) who got psycho on Mel Evolence (8’s). Crunch! Servin Justice, also known as “The Wall” knocked down Shevil jammer Disco InSterno. Newbie jammer Irrational Velvet (SK) cruised hard but was knocked over by newbie Kim N’ Tonic (8’s).

What?! RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 5 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23 points
It was a proud day for the Maidens as they beat down last year’s season champions, the Rollettes. Newbie Maiden jammers Romaniac and Mandini, skated well, along with last season’s heavy hitters Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul. Seoul instigated a couple fights this evening, and regular Talk Derby readers are pretty familiar with her antics. She started off by taking out Rollette newbie Melba Toastya, later tackled Poptart, ripping off her pivot patch and throwing it! Mandini was cruising and, ouch, got tackled by Rollette newbie, the geisha make up sporting Gogo Atari. The two apparently have a magical and mysterious history of confrontation.
“What HASN'T Mandini done to piss me off?!? First she showed me how to make a wallet disappear--using mine as an example, leaving me completely broke--and then she sawed my baby pet albino monkey Miruku in half while laughing maniacally. Then when I tied her up and threw her into the lake, I turned around and there she was! She's had that comin' for a while, now.” Indeed.

CRAZY 8’s- 14 points vs. THE QUEENS OF SUMMERFEST MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 22 points

The teams lined up to face off for the big prize, a case of Miller Light. With this on the line, it shouldn’t be surprising that brawls were breaking every turn. Maiden Newbie Scarmelo Soprano got mafioso on 8’s Newbie The Other White Meat. If “Meatie” looks familiar it’s because her sister Milwaukee’s Breast, more commonly known as “Boobies” shreds it up with the Shevils. I asked Soprano to sing.
“I actually do love the The Other White Meat, she's awesome, but she kept trying to start shit with me so I had to take her down a peg! We are both very competitive with each other.”
Mandini knocked Little Miss Tuffit onto her tuffet.
“There’s only room for one munchkin on the track and that’s me, she needs to watch her back!” Tuffhit told me.
By now the penalty box was getting crowded. The Maidens emerged victorious, and seemed to have a good mix of experienced players and talented newbies.

AMBULANCE CHASER
Maiden Milwaukee’s Sexi Mexi received a knee injury. Big boos to the beer stand nearby who would not part with their precious ice when concerned team mate BTE asked for some.
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline found herself with mystery symptoms after the match.
“After the bout I started getting really dizzy and sick. They kept checking my heart rate and it kept going up every time they checked it so they took me away to First Aid. My heart rate still wouldn't go down so they gave me an EKG to make sure it wasn't my heart. I don't think they knew what was going on because they had to call in other paramedics to get a second opinion on the EKG. Finally my heart rate went down (after about an hour) and they let me leave.”