RESURRECTION DAY bout- August 11

There’s a really great Simpsons episode that features an ad parody for the Canyonero, an SUV that has “Four wheel drive, smells like a steak and seats thirty five” as well as being “twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride.” The music is really honky tonk, along the lines of the theme of Rawhide. The percussion is emphasized with the sound of a bullwhip cracking and the refrain is a cowboy call of Canyonero…CANYONERO!” What does this have to do with the Brew City Bruisers?
I think Pistolero(SK) should get her own theme song, similar to the Canyonero theme. If there are any musicians out there interested in recording this, contact me c/o Undercurrents. (UPDATE- a band is actually recording this! I'll let y'all know when it's done!)
Pistolero helps with PR for the Bruisers. I talked to her a few days before the Bruiser’s first official bout on August 11. She was a bit anxious and maybe overwhelmed. After all it’s no small feat to help transform the Milwaukee County Sports Complex on (60th and Ryan road in Franklin) into Bruiser Stadium. To help transport the masses, a fleet of shuttle Canyoneros (I mean school buses, sorry that song is stuck in my head now.) was organized with stops at popular watering holes in Riverwest, the East side, Bay View and Racine. A lot of excitement had built up for this day, but with excitement comes performance pressure.
RESURRECTION DAY – The Return of Roller Derby
On the 11th at about 4:30PM I was hanging out with a crew of Beerleaders in the backyard of head beerleader Kim N’ Tonic. The sun was high and the gals were doing some last minute touch ups- trying to find an earring backing, adjusting their hair and fishnet stockings. I was then Bruiser bound with Robin Ya’Blind and Phyllis Swiller. The endless Milwaukee County road construction slowed us down and made the anticipation greater.
When we got there the Beerleaders headed to the locker room and I entered the arena to find a good seat. My immediate thought was that I was somehow reminded of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video. It must have had something to do with the lighting, the Beerleaders and the music. The Bruisers were warming up and the crowd was flowing in, many of them with hand made signs supporting their favorite teams or players. A proclamation was read by Smashalina Jolie(8’s), stating that the City of Milwaukee has declared August 11 as Brew City Bruisers Day, signed by Mayor Tom Barrett. At last, a new holiday that doesn’t revolve around a dead white dude! A rousing rendition of “God Bless America” was then played on the Bagpipes and the teams were introduced by Uncle Fun. Announcer Professor Pickles couldn’t make it so he was replaced by his twin brother, Dexter Stuffins.
First Half- The CRAZY 8’s 35 v.s SHEVIL KNEVILS 32
The 8’s came out of the gate full speed with strong showings from Captain Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline in the first jams.. Smashalina Jolie was the first to visit the penalty box, a structure made of fencing with flashing police lights and three vivacious Drag Queens guarding it, one wielding a rider’s crop. Yowtch!
Lethal Weapon(8’s) scrapped with Crazy Janie(SK), the first of many brawls for Weapon. Look out for her!
Pistolero (cue the theme song) was cruising with a strong lead but fell and was passed up by Cookie Ciano. The Shevils caught up and tied the score after showings by Alovicious and Punch Kisser, who blasted through the pack despite many attempts to topple her. Lethal Weapon was back for trouble and got it when she bumped heads with Nova Hotspike(SK) and the Amazonian Boom Boom Bender(SK), with Weapon and Bender both sent to the penalty box.
Jam 9 was an intense one as Cookie Ciano and Disco Insterno raced neck and neck and pivots Kat Scratch Fever and Becky the Butcher tried to bump each other off the map. The last jam saw Punch Kisser cruising hard but unable to outgun Abba Zabba(8’s).
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 47 MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 47
Holly DeClaw(RR) and Grace Killy(MM) were the jammers for the wild first jam in which DeClaw was knocked over and Sexi Mexi(MM) was pushed into the crowd. Next up Reina Payne(RR) brought down a rain of pain and damaged Damnaged Goods(MM) and the mysterious and elusive Sea Hag(MM) was sent to the penalty box for her trickery. Kinky Tuscadero(MM) proved her powerful blocking strengths by slowing down Pound Anya(RR) and Poptart(RR). Killer Jiller(MM) was pushed into the Beerleaders on the sidelines as Boner(RR) sprung up into the lead. Rejected Seoul(MM) was knocked over more than once, and was none to happy, and screamed out a curse to let us know. Poptart and Sea Hag were the last jammers, and the score was tied.
HALFTIME
A tiebreaker consisted of Poptart and Sexi Mexi having a pillow fight at the beginning of Halftime, and Caramba! Mexi was determined the winner by the audience. The Beerleaders did a great dance routine to “Supersonic” and there was a rollerskate breakdancing performance by Breaksk8. I caught part of their act and was impressed but then turned my attention to slamming a couple of delicious Riverwest Steins.
Whoever decided to keep this beer in stock is a genius.
SECOND HALF
CRAZY 8’s 66 wins over SHEVIL KNEVILS 57
More strong showings from Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline(8’s). Milwaukee’s Breast(SK) tangled with Lethal Weapon, but was able to maintain her lead. Mel Evolence(8’s) found herself in the penalty box, and soon so did Nova Hotspike(SK) and Little Miss Tuffhit(8’s), as I’ll describe in this nursery rhyme-
Little Miss Tuffhit
Was handed some rough shit
During the middle of play
Along came a Zebra
And said “We’ll see ya”
And sent Hotspike and Tuffhit away
Thank you, thank you, I’ll look back on this moment fondly when I’m named Milwaukee’s poet laurete. Becky the Butcher(Captain, SK) put in a strong effort but it wasn’t enough to save the Knevils.
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 75 wins over MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 61
The two teams were in hot pursuit of each other all night. Jammers Pound Anya, Boner, and Ching Ching Pow made life difficult for the Maidens, and eventually pushed the score in their favor. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Said good ol’ Bill Shakespere and you don’t have to tell that to Beezlebelle , the devilish Maiden marked with 666, the number of the beast. She put in a hell of a fight but had trouble keeping ahead of Smirk Savage(RR). Maully Malone(MM) ended up in the penalty box. The Rollettes widened the gap and won by fourteen points.
The Bruisers next match is Sunday, September 24th at 3PM
You can check out more at brewcitybruisers.com