The Rock-a-Wheelie Show, September 24

WHAT IS THIS?
Talk Derby To Me is a sports column that reports on the bodacious bouts of the Brew City Bruisers. Here are some abbreviations and slang so you too can talk derby!
8’s- The Crazy 8’s, MM- Maiden Milwaukee, SK- Shevil Knevils, RR- Rushin Rollettes
Zebras- referees, Bruiser Stadium- The Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 60th and Ryan roads. You can learn more on gameplay and derby history at brewcitybruisers.com.

BRUISERS RUN AMOK
The derby violence started early in September. I was enjoying a Drag King performance by the talented Miltown Kings at the Miramar, when the Bruisers in the audience were called onstage by MC Jack B. Nimble to promote the upcoming bout. The group mostly consisted of Shevil Knevils. I haven’t seen a motley crew of biker chicks like this since my 21st birthday, but you don’t want to hear that story. Out of nowhere Mia Oww(8’s) tackles Miranda Wrights(SK) onstage!
“I’m just crazy is all… Miranda was standing there all cute, practically screaming for a beating.” Oww confided in me.
Furthermore, that same night I witnessed Jenerous Beatings(8’s) start in on a drinking contest with cartoonist J.Jason Groschopf. He illustrates the Counter- Productive strip that appears here in UnderCurrents, among other places. Look over there to the right, on the comics page. And who won the one hour PBR drink off?
“JB did, by one beer.” Reported a confuzzled Groschopf, holding a bag of ice to his head. But this utter madness was just a warm up to the action about to unfold at Bruiser Stadium.
THE ROCK-A-WHEELIE SHOW, September 24
First Half, Crazy 8’s vs Maiden Milwaukee
The theme was all things wheeled, as you might of guessed. If you think about it, roller derby has evolved a lot since the idea was first conceived by cavewomen.
Beezlebelle(MM) and Cookie Ciano(8’s) were the first jammers for the hectic first jam. Servin Justice(8’s) hammered into Madd Mallett (MM) and Sexi Mexi (MM) brought a fiesta of fists to Ciano while Kat Scratch Fever was knocked clear out of the rink.
By the next jam not even the 8’s mascot, a ninja, was safe as he was tackled by the bevy of Drag Queens guarding the penalty box. Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul (MM) were both in the zone and helped keep the Maidens neck and neck with the 8’s. One thing was keeping them back, and that’s the mighty blocking power of Servin Justice. Grace Killy and Pabsty Cline tangled more than once and soon Cline crashed right next to this reporter’s feet. The last jam ended with the Maidens down 30-37.

Shevil Knevils vs Rushin Rollettes
The Knevils took some hard knocks early on and weren’t able to catch up to the Rollettes, who were cruising like vodka on a lonely Siberian night. Reina Pain, Smirk Savage, and Pound Anya sped the Rollettes ahead despite opposition from Alovicious, Trash Talkin Tina, and Punch Kisser. Holly DeClaw stayed ahead of Pistolero despite being clotheslined Knevil style. Punch Kisser had the lead but the jam was called off when Reina Pain had a skate malfunction.
HALFTIME BREAK
The Beerleaders, who have some new recruits, did a routine to a bumped up version of “Brand New Key” by Melanie including a very leggy rockette like kickline. There was a Zebra race with four refs representing the teams racing Big Wheels. A guest ref from the Twin Cities roller derby league, won the race for the Maidens.

UPSET! Maiden Milwaukee wins over Crazy 8’s 73-70
The EMTs were called in after Nancy 17(MM) landed on her tail bone, the first of a series of injuries in the second half. Mia Oww twisted her foot, took off her skate and crawled around. The Sea Hag called off a jam after being knocked over with a knee injury. True to form, she refused to take off her mask to reveal her secret identity. This is the real deal. It’s a fast paced sport and the possibility of injury is always around the corner. At the end it appeared the 8’s had won by one point, 78-77.
Then, after the Rollettes and Knevils finished their bout, the Zebras made a surprise announcement- do to some screw up, the Maidens were apparently the winners with a score of 73-70. The crowd gasped in shock. Fortunately for us all this was an early bout and there was no alcohol, derby fueled riot.
“The 8’s hit the snot out of us and played really tough. We really had to step our game up in the second half to pull out the win.” Stated the gracious Grace Killy.
I also asked head ref Snaps Smear about the scoring discrepancy.
“It was a software problem exasperated by poor communication. There will be a system in place to prevent anything like that at the next bout.” Hey, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few skulls.
Rollettes stomp Knevils 67-45
Pistolero kept getting knocked over but bounced back up with a vengeance, and ultimately ended up in the penalty box. The EMTs again had to pay a visit when Whiskey Dixie crashed. “I took a digger on my shoulder…the EMT’s popped a lil bone back in place and I’m on the ice bag train for 24 hours.” Dixie stated.
Becky The Butcher mixed it up with Roadie Foster, and both were sent packing.
“The Butcher was gunning for me that entire jam. Asking me if the Rollettes always cheat, why we’re all so ugly, and generally talking trash. I replied by asking her if the Shevils had even bothered to wake up for the game. That’s when Butcher shoulder checked me. I retaliated by grabbing her in a headlock and pulling her down.” Roadie Foster explained. Had she put the incident behind her?
“The Rollettes don’t even have to be playing for me to take Butcher down next time I see her.” I looks the Butcher better walk softly and carry a big meat cleaver.
The Rollettes started to fill up the penalty box with the likes off Reina Pain and Liv Wrong. The bout ended with an exciting battle royale style fight, with Knevils and Rollettes piling on refs Snaps Smear and Swing Wreck! Shazam! The Rollettes won by 22 points.
The Bruiser’s next bout is Saturday, October 28 at 7PM. You can get more info at brewcitybruisers.com You can join the Talk Derby To Me myspace group at
Groups.myspace.com/talkderbytome