BRUISERS DEMO BOUTS from SUMMERFEST

Note- I wrote this first column way, way, way back in July, reporting on the Bruiser's pre season demo match up at Summerfest. It also has some introductory material to the sport, and ooh, bonus, this is the longer unedited version! By now, I bet you’ve heard of the Brew City Bruisers, Milwaukee’s own kick ass roller derby league. You’ve seen them featured in various alternative weeklies, alternative monthlies, glossy Milwaukee themed magazines, websites, and the daily paper. Maybe you even saw Guy Smiley do a report on them for Action Slacks news at 9. I think they all jumped the gun and turned in the same story, basically, so I’ll keep my recapping brief.

SEVENTY ONE YEARS OF RICH HISTORY CONDENSED TO A PARAGRAPH AND A HALFRoller Derby has a long and colorful history, dating back to Chicago, 1935. It started as an endurance game, similar to dance marathons of the time, to see what team of two could skate 3,000 miles first. It was the brainchild of Leo Seltzer. The game evolved at the suggestion of sportswriter (and probable elbow fetishist) Damon Runyon, who observed the most exciting part was the skaters elbowing past each other. The game changed and continued on through the years, it’s popularity dipping and rising. It was popular in the 50’s and in the 70’s was revived again. The popularity produced many Roller Derby publications and television shows over the years. One of the most over the top shows was Rollergames, which lasted just one season (1989-1990). The show featured a figure 8 track, with one end banked into a “Wall of Death”. It featured halftime performances from Warrant and Lita Ford, and as a tiebreaker a race around a pit filled with live alligators!
The new revival of the game started five years ago or so and is a grassroots, D.I.Y., co-op like set up, with some good old fashioned punk rock thrown in for good measure. The girls run the show instead of weasels in cheap suits smoking cigars. It’s a sisterhood whose mantra might be “we only came to kick some ass”. It’s caught on like wildfire with leagues putting wheels to the wax across the country in cities big and small. A reality show based on the Austin, TX league, Rollergirls, was shown last year on the A and E network. If you want to read more on Derby history, I recommend starting with wikipedia.org ‘s entry on Roller Derby.

BRUISERS LEAP INTO ACTION!That brings us to our own fearsome females of the four wheels. The idea was conceived when some enterprising Milwaukee women took in a Windy City Rollers bout in Chicago. They began recruiting through flyers, myspace, and word on the street. Soon they had enough roller warriors to split into four teams. They even have their own cheering squad, the Beerleaders, and a crew of referees (referred to from now on as “Zebras”). To show they’re stand up type of gals; they give proceeds of many of their events to various charities. And these events so far- shows, dance parties, karaoke parties, rummage sales- have not only raised dough but have proven the league has a legion of fans ready for the DERBY ACTION! And that’s what this column is about- THE ACTION! The swooshing of elbows, the crunching of bone, the squealing of rollerskate wheels!

HOW THE GAME IS PLAYEDIf you really want to get an idea of what game play is like, you really should watch a bout. You’ll start to catch on after a couple jams. A jam is a round of play that lasts two minutes or until the lead jammer calls the jam by placing her hands on her hips and smiling benignly.
To start, a Zebra blows a whistle and the pack takes off. Each team has three blockers, and a pivot. You might think the jammers are the star of the game, but don’t underestimate the pivot. In fact I have a good idea for a bumper sticker- I PIVOT FOR PIVOTS. The pivots control the speed of the pack, block, and keep an eye on the jammers. The blockers try to stop the other teams jammer and propel their own forward. After this pack is about twenty feet down the track, the Zebra blows a second whistle and the jammers take off. They work their way through the pack, and race around the track to work their way through the pack again. They start scoring points this second time around for each opposing team member they pass.

WAIT…. THERE’S RULES?It may seem to be a sport of anarchy, but it is a controlled anarchy. The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association has a set of Standardized Flat Track Roller Derby Rules. It covers aspects of game play, including punishable offences. To get an idea of some penalties, let’s look at the column header drawn by Coth. Several violations jump out at us. Pulling hair violates rule 6.2.4.2.7 “Intentional, negligent, or reckless pulling of the head, neck, or helmet.” Her victim has ignored 6.2.4.2.5 “(No) biting.” Although there is no specific rule against swordplay, we can suspect it is an “Illegal Procedure” 6.2.1 of some kind. See the derby girl leaning out to the right? I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s going to engage one of the players in a “noogie” or “knuckle sandwich”, which is also a violation of 6.2.4.2.7.
More than one of these women could be called on 6.2.4.6.8 “Jumping onto or into a pile of fighting skaters (“dog pile”)”.

How many of these women are in violation of 6.2.2.2.1 “Gross unsports-lady-like conduct” is a tough call to make.


BRUISERS SUMMERFEST EXPO BOUTSThe Bruisers had two sets of expo bouts at Summerfest at the Sentry Sports Zone Stage, to show off what a Bruisers bout will look like in condensed form. Foot traffic on the pathway behind the stage was congested, and I soon saw why- people were rubbernecking the assembled teams waiting to hit the rink. The stands filled up quickly, and so did the standing room. A crew quickly began to set up a makeshift rink by setting up rope and police tape as boundaries. The Zebras assembled, a team of seven if I counted right. Some follow the action on skates and others stay in the middle of the rink keeping score. The Beerleaders warmed the crowd up with some naughty cheers. As they allude to in one of their cheers, they look like a gang of girls you might find smoking in the bathroom in High School.
Uncle Fun and Professor Pickles from The Mistreaters acted as MCs, which is fitting since their motto is “If you don’t find trouble, it’ll find you.” As they introduced the sport, the entire league skated around them and the roaring of dozens and dozens of skates was a great sound. It was quite a sight!

Sunday, July 2
The CRAZY 8’S- 28 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 26 pointsThe Crazy 8’s have embraced the ancient art of ninjistu for the team style. They wear kimono style shirts. As they were introduced, some of them brandished sinister looking weapons. The team Captain is Cookie Ciano (#K8) co-captain is Queen Latina (#1969).
Maiden Milwaukee has a heartwarming hometown look with pink bowler shirts. They have a pretty wild line up. The Captain is Killer Jiller (#KJ-47) the co-captain is Jenn Erator (#35), who looks like an innocent enough girl, but anyone who saw her beat the skins (I’m talking about playing the drums!) for the rockin band Wrecker should know not to be deceived. The Maiden’s also have one the sport’s most mysterious players-The Sea Hag (#20,000). She wears a grotesque green mask and little is known about her identity. Where does she come from? It’s one of the great mysteries of our time.
The second whistle blew and the jammers flew out the gate, with Servin Justice (#2) jamming for the Crazy 8’s and Grace Killy (#1) cruising for the Maidens. Justice sped through the pack quickly, scoring the league’s first points. The next jammer for the Maidens was Pixie Punch (#16) who flew around the track quickly. The next Jam featured the much anticipated first brawl of the season between the Maiden’s Madd Mallett (#99) and the 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline (#.08) who was just about to push her way through the pack. The crowd cheered wildly as the two wrestled each other to the ground. Grace Killy returned to the jammer position and managed to elbow her way through the pack despite tough resistance from Kat Scratch Fever (#999). The bout ended with another speedy showing from Pixie Punch. The Beerleaders took center stage for a half time show. Here’s part of one of their cheers, so you can get an idea- Titty Titty Bang Bang/ Watch the Bruisers do their thang/ we’ve got rock and we’ve got roll/ watch the Bruisers take control/ Crazy 8’s, Rushin’Rollettes, Maiden Milwaukee, Shevil Knevils/ GO BRUISERS!

RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 46 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 37
The Rollettes have a Cold War Russian spy look. They received some hissing from the crowd, but don’t worry ladies. We at Talk Derby To Me love dirty commies as much as we love red blooded Americans. They are led by Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch (#1:6) who looks like she might be your friendly neighborhood librarian, but beware of the Russian dominatrix within. The co-Captain is Poptart (#10.2). The Shevil Knevils have a 70’s daredevil image similar to their namesake, Evel Knievel. They have a rough, raw power line up that looks like they could come out of a barroom brawl victorious. Becky the Butcher (#99 cents) is the team captain. She is heavily tattooed and there is a rumor in the stands that she is descended from a long line of Irish bare knuckle boxers. The co-Captain is Crazy Janie (#2.5).

The first Jam had the Rollette’s Holly DeClaw (#20) and the Shevil’s The Punch Kisser (#25) a very tough face off. DeClaw was in the lead until she collided with Miranda Wrights (#1848) without reading her rights. Smirk Savage (#4) stepped in as jammer and overtook The Punch Kisser. Despite additional smack downs by The Butcher and The Punch Kisser, the Shevils weren’t able to close the nine point gap.

In a surprise end to the evening, one of the Zebras, Snaps Smear, proposed to Sugar Tank (#96, Shevil Knevils) in the middle of the rink. A true relationship forged in grit and scrapped elbows, and best of luck to them.

Monday, July 3
The CRAZY 8’s- 25 vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23The fireworks came early today as jammers Termiskater(#T2, crazy 8’s) and Pixie Punch(#16, Maidens) launched down the track. Pixie left nothing but a trail of pixie dust as she flew through the pack, scoring 3 points. The Termiskater caught the 8’s up in the next jam. Grace Killy jammed out the next round and did some showboating, the crowd loved it! The mysterious Sea Hag was the next jammer for the Maidens, she creepily slinked her way quickly through the pack, despite numerous attempts to topple her. A vicious fight broke out between Mia Oww (# $29.95, 8’s) and Killer Jiller (#KJ-47), Captain of the Maidens. I asked Oww later about her spiller with Killer Jiller, and luckily she walked away from the clash with just a cut to the inside of her lip. The 8’s were down by two, when Servin’ Justice (#02, 8’s) entered as jammer and shot through a couple jams, an unstoppable force scoring eight points and putting the 8’s ahead. The last jam was the most action packed. Jammer Damnaged Goods (#80) took down almost the entire pack, but attention switched quickly to a wild rumble between A Lethal Weapon (#10, 8’s) and Nancy 17 (#17, Maidens). Even bunny eared Zebra Swing Wreck wasn’t safe from the violence. Yowza! The stands were buzzing with introspective contemplation as the Beerleaders treated the crowd to more sweet natured aggression.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES- 43 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 42It was a close one throughout the entire bout. Today the Knevils had their own cheering section in the stands, chanting their name. The smack downs came early as Ivanna Smackdavitch(#1:6) tangoed with Nova Hotspike (#3, Shevils). Jammers Fly Girl (#1974, Rollettes) and The Punch Kisser (#25, Shevils) were racing shoulder to shoulder, with Punch Kisser, pushing ahead. The next few jams showed a close pursuit between Smirk Savage (#4, Rollettes) and Alovicous (#8, Shevils) and Pop Tart (#10.2, Rollettes) and Trash Talkin Tina (#59, Knevils). By now, only one point separated the teams, a real nail biter. Boner (#6, Rollettes) made a bid for the lead, but was knocked over by aggressive blockers more than once. Ching Ching Pow (#.357, Rollettes) managed to shove her way past pivot Disco Insterno (#11, Shevils) and in the last jam Fly Girl scored the game point, landing the game for the Rollettes by just one point.

The real season for the Bruisers starts Friday, August 11th at 7PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 West Ryan Road, Franklin. Talk Derby To Me will be there and so should you!
Check out the Bruiser’s website for more info- brewcitybruisers.com
The Bruisers, all four teams, the Beerleaders, and referees all have their own myspace pages.