OPERATION DERBY INFILTRATION

MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 73 points over CRAZY 8’s 71 points

For those who haven’t been to a bout before (what, really?!) let me explains how it shakes down, in this case the first jam.
The ref sounds the first whistle and the pack takes off, lead by the pivots. In this case it’s Maiden Milwaukee’s Grace Killy leading blockers Madd Mallett, Sea Hag, and Sexi Mexi lined up against Crazy 8’s pivot Servin Justice leading blockers Kim N’ Tonic, Abba Zabba, and The Other White Meat. A few seconds pass and the second whistle sounds and the jammers take off, Pabsty Cline for the 8’s and Rejected Seoul for the Maidens.
Cline pushes her way through the pack once, circles, works her way through again, scoring points for each player she passes, and soon calls off the jam, scoring the first six points of the game. Cline will score 17 points tonight, while Seoul will score 12.
The Maidens quickly took over the lead in the next jam .Wow! Jam seven was a crowd pleaser as Abba Zabba was checked into the sidelines, Rejected Seoul knocked over, Sexi Mexi, and The Other White Meat sent packing to the penalty box. Zabba took the lead and skillfully avoided a collision with the bombed Nukly R. Assault. Seoul did some showboating before a time out was called.
Just before the half Captain Cookie Ciano was sent to the cage which allowed Maiden hot shot Romaniac to push the score up another five, leaving the score 32-40 Maidens at the half. Romaniac lead the night in the league as high scorer with 34 points. Cookie Ciano was not far behind, scoring 33 points for the 8’s.
2nd HALF
The heat was on and the crowd was going apeshit as the skaters got down to brass tacks. The Maiden’s lead widened for awhile with some speedy skating from their jammers and frequent visits from the 8’s to the penalty box. (ZABBA! JUSTICE! TUFFHIT! OTHER WHITE MEAT! TUFFHIT, AGAIN! JUSTICE: MAJOR PENALTY! CLINE!) The tide began to turn as Maidens also began to strike out with penalties and their sixteen point lead shrank to two. Pabsty Cline seemed particularily pissed at Mandini who knocked her down as Cline angrily swung back.
Abba Zabba jammed solo for the dramatic last jam putting the 8’s close but not close enough.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES 88 points over SHEVIL KNEVILS 47 points
The Knevils, announced as “The real Team Pretty” skated out smiling, doe eyed, and fluttered their hands in a wave to the “Ms. America Theme song”. They were making fun of the Rollette’s nick name, “Team Pretty” and the Knevil’s American versus the Rollettes cold war Communist sensibilities.
But the hootenanny was killed quickly for the Knevils as the Rushin jammers zoomed the scoreboard with lightening skating from Smirk Savage, Fly Girl, Dr. Hari Huha, and Jackie O’Nihilate. The Knevils caught up briefly as the half wore on. The Eviscerator put in a good jam and Irrational Velvet and Becky the Butcher were both left with jams in which they skated solo with Rollettes jammers stuck in the cage. The stunt skaters landed just five points behind at the half, 32-37.
2nd HALF
The jam is about to start and Knevils jammer Punch Kisser is staring straight ahead, ready to leap ahead when the whistle blows. Rollettes jammer Jackie O’Nihilate stares down at the floor concentrating her efforts. They’re off and O’Nihilate leads. The Knevils didn’t want to go out without a fight so they tried to play rough. Pound Anya of the Rollettes responded by taking down Trash Talkin Tina. Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher ended up in the penalty box. Soon after Punch Kisser was let out of the penalty box, her punch found it’s way to Fly Girl’s nose. In the end the Rollettes had skated a huge gap between the Knevils and won by 41 points. Fly Girl was the Rollette’s top scorer with 30 points, while Trash Talkin Tina was the Knevils high roller with 21 points.
SEMIFINALS REMATCH!
The teams will face each other again on December 8. We will see if the losing teams have examined mistakes they’ve made this last bout or if they are doomed to repeat them. If the Knevils want a win they will have to slow down the Rollette’s speedy jammer squad. The 8’s and the Maidens had a very close game and it will be interesting to see who comes out ahead this time around.

NIGHTMARE ON RYAN ROAD

A NIGHTMARE ON RYAN ROAD OCTOBER 13

A wolf howled as this reporter and Mae Killya (Crazy 8’s, out due to back complications) experienced our own nightmare on Ryan road…backed up turtle paced traffic due to a surge of derby fans trying to work through the down right spooky entrance to Bruiser Stadium (i.e. Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W. Ryan Road). This led to us missing much of the first half of the 8’s v.s. Shevil Knevils

CRAZY 8’s -68 points SCARE OUT SHEVIL KNEVILS- 54 points


Second Half
Milwaukee’s Breast (nicknamed “Boobies”) collided with Servin Justice (also called “The Wall” among derby insiders) and let me tell you, it’s quite a sight when Boobies hit The Wall. Milwaukee’s Breast had this to say.
“Justice gave me a loose tooth! But that is fine, because the damage I'll do to her next time will be more painful!” Justice tell me she really had no choice in taking her out.
“I certainly don't encourage fighting at bouts, as there is a game to be played, and a game to win. But, that girl talked to much smack to me the week leading up to this bout, and all the way to the line up of the final jam of the game. I normally can keep my cool, and I'm just a cool gal, but when the game was over I knew she had to go down. She's lucky she only walked away with a loose tooth and a fat lip.”

Halftime Show
The Beerleaders returned with their routine done to “Thriller”(they also did it at last year’s Halloween bout) with an impressive DJ Milkman as Michael Jackson. My message to them for next year…THREEPEAT!


ROLLETTES 77 points SPOOK MAIDENS 70 points
“We were down to about 12 skaters for that bout so a lot of people got used in different positions for this game. As a blocker I was able to play in more jams and be more effective in the pack. It doesn't matter how in shape you are, jamming takes a lot out of you and a jammer will ending up sitting out more than a blocker will. I like being a versatile player for my team and being able to go in where ever I'm needed in a particular line up. Although I'm glad I did jam once, I owe it to my fans to be out there jamming.” –Grace Killy

Second Half
“The Maidens played a great game. They gave us a run for our money but we pulled through, like we always do!” –Fly Girl

Next Bout…NOVEMBER 10
I polled Bruisers from each team to try to get the forecast on next bout. Pound Anya, co-captain of the Rushin Rollettes reminds why we should write in her birthday on our calendars…
“You could pass along to Punch Kisser that she should have really called me on my birthday. Now I have made it my personal mission to shut her down completely, and I will. And to the rest of them, I say that we feed off of hatred, so we will appreciate all the power their fans will give us.”
Irrational Velvet of the Shevil Knevils tells us why the Knevils are more culturally relevant than the Rollettes…
“The Shevil's are the kids doing stunts in every American alley. The Rollettes are communists fighting with cold, bittered hearts. Our strategies on the court are equally opposite. Because we are so different, the bout is sure to be really action-tastic.”
Grace Killy of Maiden Milwaukee reiterates her team’s ‘working class, kicking ass’ attitude…
“The match against the Crazy 8's should be a good one for us. I think we bring a lot to the table as a team and we are able to match and overcome any strength that the 8's might have. A Blue collar girl can take a scrawny ninja any day of the week.”
Kim N’ Tonic of the Crazy 8’s predicts that shit will happen…
“Maiden my butt. They're going to suffer the same fate as Shevils. I hate poop on my wheels.” Kim seals this e-mail response to me with a frowning emoticon. Now that’s not a good sign. :(