CHI TOWN/ SUMMERFEST BOUTS

JUNE 17- BREWCITY BRUISERS TRAVEL TEAM- 90 points vs. CHI TOWN SIRENS- 103 points
It was a hot day and millions of cicadas were buzzing, was it a bad omen? I cruised down to the Orbits roller rink with Jenerous Beatings, Pistolero, and fellow derby fans Dave and Evan. Our fearless travel team was set to match up against the Chi Town Sirens, one of two Chicago based leagues.
There were four jammers and they were all doing a great job, Reina Pain, Grace Killy, Cookie Ciano, and Rejected Seoul. The Sirens with the most jam time were Captain Beth Amphetamine, Donna D Apocalypse, and Karmageddon. The two teams were neck and neck the first period, ending with the nail biting score of 33-33!
In the second period we saw Ciano use her own teammate as a bowling ball to knock down the Sirens. Seoul and Pain were cruising through the pack like lightening, and the second period ended with the Bruisers behind by a close seven points.
The Bruisers took the lead in the third period. All the jammers were stepping up to kick some ass, but their lead started to disappear, as players were sent to the penalty box. But Jenerous Beatings thought the problem might be elsewhere.
“TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES!” she yelled several times to referee BB Wolfe. After the bout, however, he showed her that the sunglasses actually make things look lighter. Think Terminator or Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night”. The Sirens pulled ahead and won the match 103-90. Hey, those FIBs play a mean game! I got a chance to talk to Siren Captain Beth Amphetamine after the bout and here’s what she had to say:
“The teams were very evenly matched and the bout was hard fought until the end.... and then we all went out drinking. They are a great group of women. I’m looking forward to a re-match in Milwaukee!”

JULY 1
A nostalgic moment for this humble derby journalist, who started documenting the Bruise crew at their first expo bout at last year’s Summerfest. Go BRUISERS!

CRAZY 8’s- 19 points vs. RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 24 points
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline started the match off by facing newbie jammer Dr. Hari Huha. Each team has several newbies this year, and it looks like a fine bumper crop. Cline led, but heard a Huha not far behind her. Ivanna Smackdavitch is back in action, after sitting out much of last season, so look out!
Newbies Jail House Roxie (RR) and Kat Ass Trophy (8’s) faced off, along with season one all stars Fly Girl (RR) and Abba Zabba (8’s)

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 10 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 27 points
Romaniac might be the Maiden newbie jammer to look out for. She was cruising like a firecracker both days, swooping and smiling her way through the pack. There was a surreal moment when Bootsi Call (SK) who wasn’t even skated up, ran onto the track and tackled Grace Killy, Maiden jammer and Captain of the BCB travel team, who, by the way Bootsi is co-captain of. I asked Bootsi for an explanation to her behavior.
“I tolerated Grace Killy's sassiness and show boating while we captained the travel team together. But now that we're on different teams I can openly be her sworn enemy. I vow to take her down every time the Shevil's play the Maidens,whether I'm skating or not.
That girl is going to be on her ass one way or another. If I have to tackle her from the bench every time, so be it.”
“Bootsi's a big talker. It's just too bad she doesn't have the skills to back up her mouth.” Killy responded.
Sexi Mexi (MM) moshed Pistolero (SK) Maiden style, and newbies Mandini and Edna Gein and Evil’s Agent (all three MM) showed off their skills.

JULY 2
SHEVIL KNEVILS- 13 points vs. CRAZY 8’s- 22 points
Wow! Things were totally crazy on the track today. Everyone and their mothers were getting into brawls. It started almost immediately with Disco InSterno and Termiskater wrestling on the concrete, dragging in refs Swing Wreck and Machete Holiday, almost making zebra stew out of them. Bam a lam! Shevils Captain Becky The Butcher wasn’t joking around when she slammed down Kat Ass Trophy. Ka-Pow! Jenerous Beatings of the 8’s brang the beat down to Shevils co-captain, the mohawk sporting Sugar Tank.
Beatings told me about the lead up to the fight.
“She was ragging on me all day about how her team was going to win and the final straw was when she yanked on my hair during the jam. That was it. That bitch had to go down. I got a few good hits in. I bet she has a nice bruise on her ribcage right about now.”
Shhhhhmack! Next on the bad girls list is Norma Bates (SK) who got psycho on Mel Evolence (8’s). Crunch! Servin Justice, also known as “The Wall” knocked down Shevil jammer Disco InSterno. Newbie jammer Irrational Velvet (SK) cruised hard but was knocked over by newbie Kim N’ Tonic (8’s).

What?! RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 5 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23 points
It was a proud day for the Maidens as they beat down last year’s season champions, the Rollettes. Newbie Maiden jammers Romaniac and Mandini, skated well, along with last season’s heavy hitters Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul. Seoul instigated a couple fights this evening, and regular Talk Derby readers are pretty familiar with her antics. She started off by taking out Rollette newbie Melba Toastya, later tackled Poptart, ripping off her pivot patch and throwing it! Mandini was cruising and, ouch, got tackled by Rollette newbie, the geisha make up sporting Gogo Atari. The two apparently have a magical and mysterious history of confrontation.
“What HASN'T Mandini done to piss me off?!? First she showed me how to make a wallet disappear--using mine as an example, leaving me completely broke--and then she sawed my baby pet albino monkey Miruku in half while laughing maniacally. Then when I tied her up and threw her into the lake, I turned around and there she was! She's had that comin' for a while, now.” Indeed.

CRAZY 8’s- 14 points vs. THE QUEENS OF SUMMERFEST MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 22 points

The teams lined up to face off for the big prize, a case of Miller Light. With this on the line, it shouldn’t be surprising that brawls were breaking every turn. Maiden Newbie Scarmelo Soprano got mafioso on 8’s Newbie The Other White Meat. If “Meatie” looks familiar it’s because her sister Milwaukee’s Breast, more commonly known as “Boobies” shreds it up with the Shevils. I asked Soprano to sing.
“I actually do love the The Other White Meat, she's awesome, but she kept trying to start shit with me so I had to take her down a peg! We are both very competitive with each other.”
Mandini knocked Little Miss Tuffit onto her tuffet.
“There’s only room for one munchkin on the track and that’s me, she needs to watch her back!” Tuffhit told me.
By now the penalty box was getting crowded. The Maidens emerged victorious, and seemed to have a good mix of experienced players and talented newbies.

AMBULANCE CHASER
Maiden Milwaukee’s Sexi Mexi received a knee injury. Big boos to the beer stand nearby who would not part with their precious ice when concerned team mate BTE asked for some.
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline found herself with mystery symptoms after the match.
“After the bout I started getting really dizzy and sick. They kept checking my heart rate and it kept going up every time they checked it so they took me away to First Aid. My heart rate still wouldn't go down so they gave me an EKG to make sure it wasn't my heart. I don't think they knew what was going on because they had to call in other paramedics to get a second opinion on the EKG. Finally my heart rate went down (after about an hour) and they let me leave.”

RAH! RAH! RAH! WANT TO BE A BEERLEADER?

“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” Whiskey Longstocking is calling off the steps to “Supersonic,” a bouncy hip hop song by JJ Fad. This is day one, April 14, of the two day audition process for the Beerleaders, the cheer squad for the Brew City Bruisers roller derby league. The returning Beerleaders from last year, the first season, demonstrate the routine and then Whiskey leads them through the first part.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” The audition is taking place at Bucketworks, a converted warehouse space that bills itself as a “fitness center for the brain”. The tryouts are in the dance studio on the second floor. Some people might say the room is beat up, but I say it has character. Ancient radiators line one wall, and a pipe sprinkler system zig zags the ceiling. The floor is lined with tape and is warped by water damage in one corner. The other wall is a collection of mirrors.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” A pleasant breeze shoots through the open window, along with the call of seagulls. Whiskey has shown them the second set of steps, and now they are going to try to do both sets of steps together.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 1-2,3-4, 5-6, 7-8.” They go through this a couple times, slowly.
The audition had begun an hour earlier.
There are six returning Beerleaders, Phyllis Swiller, Robin Ya’Blind, Anais Sin, Tipsy Lipsy, Pussy LaGore, and Whiskey Longstocking. There were several other Beerleaders who were part of the squad, but as is often the case, several moved, or became wrapped up in work or school.
“It is a time commitment.” Robin Ya’Blind stresses to the recruits, six of which have shown up today. All of the women present are sitting in a circle on the floor. The recruits are filling out an application titled “Want to be a Beerleader?” Then the Beerleaders begin telling them the history of the squad, which began with a winter of 2006 meeting at Broad Vocabulary, a feminist bookstore in Bay View. They began looking at rehearsal spaces, eventually calling Bucketworks home.
“We’re not your average cheerleaders.” Swiller says, smiling.
They then go around the circle explaining why they are here today.
“I was a cheerleader for twelve years in school, and when I saw you at Summerfest (for a Bruiser expo bout) I missed being part of a group of girls…”
“I was a cheerleader in high school, but I was the fat one with purple streaks in my hair.”
“I hang out with a lot of guys and thought this would be a great way to exercise and socialize with women…”
“… when I talk about the Beerleaders, my face just lights up and I get a little twinkle in my eye…”
Someone mentions they didn’t feel like possibly spraining a leg or getting their teeth knocked out by strapping on skates with the Bruisers. But the Beerleaders have some war stories of their own, bruises and twisted ankles. This leads Robin Ya’Blind to talk about more potential strains. She is articulate and precise.
“We like to be individuals, but we also need to work together as a team. You need to work with others and keep a positive attitude and keep dancing. Learn the basics of derby so you know when to cheer. Be an open communicator. It’s tough to work with all women.” As dance choreographer, Pussy agrees.
“You’re going to get frustrated and pissed off at me. But it all comes together. Somehow it always does.” They outline a typical Beerleader practice. A half hour of stretching, an hour of dancing, followed by a half hour of talking about cheers, upcoming events, costume ideas (“By the way, fishnet stockings are on clearance at Target”), etc. They mention time commitment again.
“One time we were practicing in someone’s backyard at 9 at night.”
They go over what an actual bout is like. The recruits must get used to the fact that they will be facing huge crowds of people, many armed with flash cameras.

“WE ARE ROUGH AND WE ARE TOUGH, WE’RE THE BRUISERS AND WE’LL FUCK YOU UP!”
“Okay, Let’s try it together now. We are rough (clap) we are tough we’re the Bruisers (clap) and we’ll (right punch) fuck you (left punch) up (extend arm and flip the bird).” They go over it a couple times. They go on to a new cheer, “On Your Knees”.
“WHAT DO YOU DO TO A BRUISER YOU MEET? YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, YOU CAN NOT PRAY ON YOUR FEET, YOU ASK THE MIGHTY BRUISER FOR HER MERCY TO GIVE AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE (Quadruple clap) SHE’LL LET YOU LIVE!”
After a water break, they do some stretches and exercises to get ready for practicing the aforementioned “Supersonic” routine. They do jumping jacks, leg lifts, kung fu kicks, the Riverdance, a cabaret kick, arm stretches, toe touches, palm plants, the London bridge, and more. Then Whiskey starts counting it off.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!”

DAY 2
It’s a lazy Sunday. The Beerleaders are sitting around chatting and examining the auditioning girl’s forms. Anais Sin sits on the floor sprinkling mozzarella cheese on tortillas and eating them.
“There’s a microwave downstairs you know.” Someone says. She shrugs. Then a recruit tells about her Saturday night.
“My husband wanted to go to the Riverhorse at 3AM. I told him they were closed and I had to work in the morning anyhow, so he rolled down his window and was yelling, spelling out lame…L-A-M-E-! over and over.” After a run through of the cheers, they do warm ups. Phyllis Swiller is sitting on the floor, handwriting six evaluation forms for the recruits, who will have to perform the “Supersonic” routine in front of everyone solo.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and make copies on the copy machine?”
“Does it even work?”
“You don’t know until you ask!”
“Cause every time I try to use it, it doesn’t work.”
“Well, then, that machine’s just a cocktease.”
At 2PM the individual auditions begin to “Supersonic”. After each audition there is note writing on the evaluation forms and general small talk, including speculation on the size of Orlando Bloom’s package. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloom, the consensus is that it’s probably pretty small.
Each girl does a fine job remembering the “1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8.”
“I have to say we did an amazing job, it was like a real try out.” Swiller tells me. She makes an announcement to the group, who is assembling their backpacks, water bottles, and other gear.
“Thanks for showing up, everyone, I’ll give you a call on Wednesday and let you know.”