THE GOLDEN WHEEL AWARDS
pictured: Servin Justice gallops away with four awards
The first ever Golden Wheel Awards, for the 2006 season, were held at the Pulaski Inn in Cudahy. The Pulaski Inn is a wonderful place to hold such an event, and the style of the building made me think "Bavarian" over and over although admittedly I don't have much knowledge of Bavarian architecture, and Pulaski actually sounds more Polish to me than Bavarian.
The Bruisers were all dressed to the nines, and the complimentary Grundnahrungsmittel(which means liquid bread in the Bavarian dialect) hit the spot. I arrived with J. JasonGroschopf and Robin Ya'Blind, who wowed the crowd with her sensible fashion. This reporter was dressed entirely in a Bavarian shade of black from head to foot. The award ceremony began and it clipped along at a decent pace, no long winded acceptance speeches thanking the academy or the people of Bavaria. And the winners are...
Best Beerleader- Kim N' Tonic
Best Zebra (er, referee)- Snaps Smear
(Note- both were featured in a previous column)
Best Dance Moves- Servin Justice
Best Tagline- Boner (Comin straight attcha!)
Best Party Animal- Big Terrible Easy
Best Derby Name- Boner
Most Penalties- Reina Pain (27 penalties, 1 major penalty)
Your Mama Wins Award- Smirk Savage
Smells Like Team Spirit Award- Pistolero
Most Dedicated Player- Servin Justice
Most Improved Player- Mel Evolence
Pivot of the Year- Kat Skratch Fever
Blocker of the Year- Servin Justice
Bruises are a Girl's Best Friend Award- Crazy Janie
Unsung Hero- Damnaged Goods
Hardest Hitter- Holly DeClaw
Jammer of the Year- Grace Killy
Co-Captain of the Year- Beezlebelle
Captain of the Year- Cookie Ciano
2006 MVP- Servin Justice
They then listed who would make the best A and B teams-
The A Team: Servin Justice, Holly DeClaw, Pound Anya, Kat Skratch Fever,and Grace Killy.
(Which one is supposed to be B.A. Barakas?)
The B for Bavarian Team: Reina Pain, Milwaukee's Breast(more commonly known as "Boobies"),Sexi Mexi, A Lethal Weapon, Rocka Wheelie,and Beezlebelle.
The founders of the league, Butch Cassidy, Carny Power, and Jesse Jameson, were
also presented with awards. The big winner of the night was obviously the six foot Bavarian Valkyrie Servin Justice, who scooped four wheelies, including MVP. She
also announced the good word that the Bruisers are now officially members of the WFTDA(Women's Flat Track Derby Association),the governing body of over thirty leagues nationwide. I think all the winners were appropriately deserving. Here's my own awards for the night...
Craziest Drunk- Jenerous Beatings. Or was she just high on life?
Best Dressed- Boom Boom Bender, who was a Bavarian beauty in a traditional Fraulein dress.
Best Use of Polka Dots- Alovicious
Worst Dancer in a Five State Area- Tea Krulos
Worst Dance Move- The Bavarian Pretzel (invented by Tea Krulos)
Most Awkward Moment- When Tea Krulos, who drinks heavily to function in social situations, introduces himself to a Bruiser who just stares at him like he straight up walked out of a Bavarian horror movie. (I can still see the aweful event in my head. I'm standing there with 5,500 point Times New Roman bold font letters that say "DRUNK" floating above my head like those stupid 'I'm thinking Arby's' commercials. I try to introduce myself, but the words come out inverted and upside down. The look on her face clearly says she thinks I'm a weird molester. I had just eaten a handful of radishes, so my breath reeks of radish and booze. That's how I roll.)
Best Seat in the House Award- A kid's rocking horse that somehow found it's way to the dance floor.
Most Sobering Moment- Smashalina Jolie announcing that everyone will shortly be buried under four feet of snow.
All in all, a fantastic evening. Keep warm, and keep it Bavarian!
posted by Tea Krulos @ 6:03 PM
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