Talk Derby To Me

Semi Finals

2008-03-01T01:37:00.000+01:00

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 73 points vs RUSHIN ROLLETTES- 72 points

1st Half
Yowza, what a historic match for the Bruisers! The Knevils, who haven’t won a bout in two seasons won by a single point against the Rollettes, who haven’t lost a bout in two seasons! The Knevils dedicated their game to their recently deceased namesake, “Evel” Knievel, who died November 30, and surely his spirit was watching over them tonight. The entire team was in good form and played an aggressive game all around, led by high scoring jammers , The Eviscerator (29 points), Punch Kisser (17 points), and Trash Talkin Tina (14 points).
The Rollettes were down four jammers (Boner, Dr. Hari Huha, Holly DeClaw, and Reina Pain) and perhaps overcompensated by playing too aggressively, with players constantly being sent to the penalty box, spreading a thin line up thinner.
The weight of the scoring fell to Smirk Savage (20 points), Fly Girl (the high scorer of the night with 36 points), and Jackie O’Nihilate (16 points).
Early on Terror Lapinski checked Smirk Savage out of the way, and Captain Becky the Butcher and Trash Talkin Tina took leading jams. Pound Anya was quickly sent to the penalty box, the first of four times, with a total of 17 penalties.
Last jam before the half, Punch Kisser called it without being lead jammer, but the Knevils were still just down by one point.

2nd Half
About five jams in and the announcers said the penalty box looked like a clown car. True. Between the fifth and sixth jams it was visited by Becky the Butcher, Gogo Atari, Jesse Jameson, Jailhouse Roxie, Pound Anya, Poptart, and Smirk Savage, a good percentage of the Rollettes.
“Yeah, the Rollettes had their own personal VIP suite to view the game...it was located in the penalty box!” said Rollette Fidela Castrate.
Irrational Velvet started a jam solo, and The Eviscerator skated a brilliant jam. I’ve never seen the crowd go crazy like when it was announced that Knevils had sealed it with one point and “Don’t Stop Believe’n” by Journey blared on the loudspeakers.
“I wasn’t able to skate due to my injury, but I would like to say how proud I am of my teammates in their much deserved win! And by the way I wasn’t crying there was something in my eye.” Knevils co-Captain Sugar Tank told me.

CRAZY 8’S- 66 points vs MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 62 points

1st half
The 8’s and the Maidens had another close match, and both teams have a 2-2 record this season. Throughout the game the two teams were never more than a few points behind each other. The 8’s showed a tough defense, denying Maiden hotshot jammers like Romaniac and Grace Killy from breaking through the pack early in the game. The 8’s high scoring jammers , Pabsty Cline (21 points), Abba Zabba (20 points), and Captain Cookie Ciano (19 points) matched up well with Maiden jammers Rejected Seoul (29 points), Romaniac (15 points) and a large number of Maiden jammers who scored smaller amounts.

2nd Half
The game remained close. Rejected Seoul jammed solo, but was sent to the penalty box, giving Pabsty Cline a chance to retaliate by jamming solo the next jam. The penalty box began filling up again with Servin Justice, Grace Killy, and the mysterious Sea Hag. The teams were putting their all into it and halfway through we saw a 52 skater pileup, with over half the field tripped up and crashed on the floor. In the last jam, Servin Justice took down jammer Romaniac, and in turn Sexi Mexi took down 8’s jammer The Mechanic, but the 8’s skated to victory by four points.
“I was busy watching the lineup during 8s vs. Maidens, but I can say The Mechanic made a great comeback the 2nd half and Abba Zabba really will destroy you. The energy after the Shevils won was amazing. The entire crowd was cheering. Those patriotic ladies are going down in the championship though!” so says 8’s bench manager Jenerous Beatings.

FINALS
This leads to an interesting showdown for the finals, January 26. The Shevil Knevils will take on the Crazy 8’s for the title. 8’s jammer Abba Zabba threatens, “Poop on the Shevils!” Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher has faith in her team, though and said to this reporter “You can just tell them the Shevils only win when it counts.”
The Rushin’ Rollettes will then play Maiden Milwaukee for third place. If this bout has proved anything, it’s that all bets are off!

OPERATION DERBY INFILTRATION

2007-12-14T22:39:00.001+01:00

MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 73 points over CRAZY 8’s 71 points

For those who haven’t been to a bout before (what, really?!) let me explains how it shakes down, in this case the first jam.
The ref sounds the first whistle and the pack takes off, lead by the pivots. In this case it’s Maiden Milwaukee’s Grace Killy leading blockers Madd Mallett, Sea Hag, and Sexi Mexi lined up against Crazy 8’s pivot Servin Justice leading blockers Kim N’ Tonic, Abba Zabba, and The Other White Meat. A few seconds pass and the second whistle sounds and the jammers take off, Pabsty Cline for the 8’s and Rejected Seoul for the Maidens.
Cline pushes her way through the pack once, circles, works her way through again, scoring points for each player she passes, and soon calls off the jam, scoring the first six points of the game. Cline will score 17 points tonight, while Seoul will score 12.
The Maidens quickly took over the lead in the next jam .Wow! Jam seven was a crowd pleaser as Abba Zabba was checked into the sidelines, Rejected Seoul knocked over, Sexi Mexi, and The Other White Meat sent packing to the penalty box. Zabba took the lead and skillfully avoided a collision with the bombed Nukly R. Assault. Seoul did some showboating before a time out was called.
Just before the half Captain Cookie Ciano was sent to the cage which allowed Maiden hot shot Romaniac to push the score up another five, leaving the score 32-40 Maidens at the half. Romaniac lead the night in the league as high scorer with 34 points. Cookie Ciano was not far behind, scoring 33 points for the 8’s.
2nd HALF
The heat was on and the crowd was going apeshit as the skaters got down to brass tacks. The Maiden’s lead widened for awhile with some speedy skating from their jammers and frequent visits from the 8’s to the penalty box. (ZABBA! JUSTICE! TUFFHIT! OTHER WHITE MEAT! TUFFHIT, AGAIN! JUSTICE: MAJOR PENALTY! CLINE!) The tide began to turn as Maidens also began to strike out with penalties and their sixteen point lead shrank to two. Pabsty Cline seemed particularily pissed at Mandini who knocked her down as Cline angrily swung back.
Abba Zabba jammed solo for the dramatic last jam putting the 8’s close but not close enough.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES 88 points over SHEVIL KNEVILS 47 points
The Knevils, announced as “The real Team Pretty” skated out smiling, doe eyed, and fluttered their hands in a wave to the “Ms. America Theme song”. They were making fun of the Rollette’s nick name, “Team Pretty” and the Knevil’s American versus the Rollettes cold war Communist sensibilities.
But the hootenanny was killed quickly for the Knevils as the Rushin jammers zoomed the scoreboard with lightening skating from Smirk Savage, Fly Girl, Dr. Hari Huha, and Jackie O’Nihilate. The Knevils caught up briefly as the half wore on. The Eviscerator put in a good jam and Irrational Velvet and Becky the Butcher were both left with jams in which they skated solo with Rollettes jammers stuck in the cage. The stunt skaters landed just five points behind at the half, 32-37.
2nd HALF
The jam is about to start and Knevils jammer Punch Kisser is staring straight ahead, ready to leap ahead when the whistle blows. Rollettes jammer Jackie O’Nihilate stares down at the floor concentrating her efforts. They’re off and O’Nihilate leads. The Knevils didn’t want to go out without a fight so they tried to play rough. Pound Anya of the Rollettes responded by taking down Trash Talkin Tina. Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher ended up in the penalty box. Soon after Punch Kisser was let out of the penalty box, her punch found it’s way to Fly Girl’s nose. In the end the Rollettes had skated a huge gap between the Knevils and won by 41 points. Fly Girl was the Rollette’s top scorer with 30 points, while Trash Talkin Tina was the Knevils high roller with 21 points.
SEMIFINALS REMATCH!
The teams will face each other again on December 8. We will see if the losing teams have examined mistakes they’ve made this last bout or if they are doomed to repeat them. If the Knevils want a win they will have to slow down the Rollette’s speedy jammer squad. The 8’s and the Maidens had a very close game and it will be interesting to see who comes out ahead this time around.

NIGHTMARE ON RYAN ROAD

2007-12-14T22:37:00.000+01:00

A NIGHTMARE ON RYAN ROAD OCTOBER 13

A wolf howled as this reporter and Mae Killya (Crazy 8’s, out due to back complications) experienced our own nightmare on Ryan road…backed up turtle paced traffic due to a surge of derby fans trying to work through the down right spooky entrance to Bruiser Stadium (i.e. Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W. Ryan Road). This led to us missing much of the first half of the 8’s v.s. Shevil Knevils

CRAZY 8’s -68 points SCARE OUT SHEVIL KNEVILS- 54 points

Second Half
Milwaukee’s Breast (nicknamed “Boobies”) collided with Servin Justice (also called “The Wall” among derby insiders) and let me tell you, it’s quite a sight when Boobies hit The Wall. Milwaukee’s Breast had this to say.
“Justice gave me a loose tooth! But that is fine, because the damage I'll do to her next time will be more painful!” Justice tell me she really had no choice in taking her out.
“I certainly don't encourage fighting at bouts, as there is a game to be played, and a game to win. But, that girl talked to much smack to me the week leading up to this bout, and all the way to the line up of the final jam of the game. I normally can keep my cool, and I'm just a cool gal, but when the game was over I knew she had to go down. She's lucky she only walked away with a loose tooth and a fat lip.”

Halftime Show
The Beerleaders returned with their routine done to “Thriller”(they also did it at last year’s Halloween bout) with an impressive DJ Milkman as Michael Jackson. My message to them for next year…THREEPEAT!

ROLLETTES 77 points SPOOK MAIDENS 70 points
“We were down to about 12 skaters for that bout so a lot of people got used in different positions for this game. As a blocker I was able to play in more jams and be more effective in the pack. It doesn't matter how in shape you are, jamming takes a lot out of you and a jammer will ending up sitting out more than a blocker will. I like being a versatile player for my team and being able to go in where ever I'm needed in a particular line up. Although I'm glad I did jam once, I owe it to my fans to be out there jamming.” –Grace Killy

Second Half
“The Maidens played a great game. They gave us a run for our money but we pulled through, like we always do!” –Fly Girl

Next Bout…NOVEMBER 10
I polled Bruisers from each team to try to get the forecast on next bout. Pound Anya, co-captain of the Rushin Rollettes reminds why we should write in her birthday on our calendars…
“You could pass along to Punch Kisser that she should have really called me on my birthday. Now I have made it my personal mission to shut her down completely, and I will. And to the rest of them, I say that we feed off of hatred, so we will appreciate all the power their fans will give us.”
Irrational Velvet of the Shevil Knevils tells us why the Knevils are more culturally relevant than the Rollettes…
“The Shevil's are the kids doing stunts in every American alley. The Rollettes are communists fighting with cold, bittered hearts. Our strategies on the court are equally opposite. Because we are so different, the bout is sure to be really action-tastic.”
Grace Killy of Maiden Milwaukee reiterates her team’s ‘working class, kicking ass’ attitude…
“The match against the Crazy 8's should be a good one for us. I think we bring a lot to the table as a team and we are able to match and overcome any strength that the 8's might have. A Blue collar girl can take a scrawny ninja any day of the week.”
Kim N’ Tonic of the Crazy 8’s predicts that shit will happen…
“Maiden my butt. They're going to suffer the same fate as Shevils. I hate poop on my wheels.” Kim seals this e-mail response to me with a frowning emoticon. Now that’s not a good sign. :(

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOWDOWN SEPTEMBER 18 2007

2007-10-15T16:08:00.000+02:00

Note from The Krulos: In honor of the back to school showdown, I have included footnotes throughout, guaranteed to help you reach a nirvana like state of higher learning.

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOWDOWN SEPTEMBER 81 2007
I arrived way early for the first official bout of season two and got to see the bruise crew hard at work transforming the Milwaukee County Sports Complex into Bruiser Stadium for today's bloody after school special.
Everywhere Bruisers and volunteers were setting up tables, taping down the track, taping down signs, arranging and rearranging bleachers2, carrying ice and water, inspecting, changing, wandering, readjusting, introducing parents, scraping gunk off the track, etc., etc., and so on and so forth.

MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 74 points vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS 42 points
First Half
The Maidens made the audience think pink with a powerful performance that left the Shevils seeing stars despite their daredevilry. After stellar skating from Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul in the first two jams, the Maidens started with an eleven point head start. They kept it rolling, rolling, rolling, along with teammates Beezlebelle (Captain), Madd Mallett (co-captain), Mandini (rookie), and Sea Hag3 (nefarious witch). The Knevils
tried to roll with the punches and throw a few of their own. Punch Kisser and Becky the Butcher both bashed Grace Killy (((BOOM!))) but she kept going. Sea Hag was sent to the cage but shot out and through the pack when her time was up. The period ended with newbie Tam-A-Saurus Wreck’s 4 track time being extinct as she was sent to the cage.
I asked Wrecks to tell me about her trip to the penalty box and her impressions of her first official bout.
“I was sent to the penalty box for illegal fore arm use. I caught my finger on Bootsi Call's elbow pad and I have the bloody finger to show for it! Being in the box fucking sucks! It's hard to watch your team play knowing that they are skating one down because you are in the box! As for my first actual bout, I was born to play derby baby! I loved every second and can't wait until October!”
Second Half
Sea Hag's supernatural skating confuzzled her opponents, the triple T, Trash Talkin' Tina was sent to the penalty box for causing a kerfluffle, and Punch Kisser told the Maidens to kiss off in a couple of leading jams, but the Maidens maintained a large point gap throughout. Things ended dramatically when Sea Hag got popped in
the face (((crunch!))). The EMTs checked her out, but she carefully disguised her identity with a towel after removing her mask.
I asked Captain Beezlebelle to speculate on the Maiden's winning performance and she gave me a jazzy poetic saxophonic answer.
“My team is like a big ass pink party. We have fun. We stick together through all the thick, and all the thin. We are like peanut butter and speculation. And fun.”

RUSHIN' ROLLETTES 65 points vs. CRAZY 8'S 62 points
First Half
It was a tense match up between the ninjas and the commie operatives. Here's some raw, bone crunching notes of mine on the jams...
Jam 3- Poptart5, Boner baaaashed! Abba Zabba knocked over.
Jam 4- Some joker causes a false start with an air horn.
Jam 5- Mae Killya gets pushy (!!!) with Holly DeClaw.
Jam 6- Indiana Bones accidentally takes out ref Ming the Merciless6.
Jam 7- Jammers Abba Zabba and Smirk Savage and blocker Fidela Castrate all wipe out taking the corner (///CRASH!\\\)
Jam 9- Servin' Justice cracks Poptart (Ke-rrrrack!)
Jam 11- Little Miss Tuffhit eating curds and whey in the penalty box. Jailhouse Roxy knocked about repeatedly.(@#%!)
Second Half
“Go ninja go ninja GO!”7 The familiar rallying cry of the Crazy 8's. Visiting them on the bench was former teammate Tip-her Gore who now skates with the Gotham Girls Roller Derby in New York City. The score was tied up for several jams and both teams were trying mighty. Fidela Castrate and Reina Pain were asked to report to the principal's office, Abba Zabba slid through the first row of spectators, and newbie Kim N' Tonic threw down pieces of 8 on newbie Rollette jammer Dr. Hari Huha.
The last few jams were real nail biters, including one with a wild switch-a-roo. Abba Zabba was in the penalty box, so Reina Pain started the jam alone. Pain tangled with Indiana Bones, Zabba's penalty time was up, so she joined the fracas. The bell tolled for Pain, who was sent to the box and Captain Cookie Ciano started the next jam solo.
I asked newbie Indiana Bones 8 for her thoughts on the bout.
“It was the most intense, physically laborious, fun bout I have ever played. I am SO proud of my team, we played with a little over half our roster, and we played every jam like it was our first. Even though we didn't come through with a win, I couldn't have been happier to be a Crazy 8 that night. Go ninja!”
The last jam saw jammer Pabsty Cline to the cage. Servin Justice swiped Smirk Savage.9 Not surprisingly Savage had something to say about the evening.
“I'd like to say that I was surprised to hear that a lot of the 8s were so salty about the loss. Being that I'm the smack talkin' sore winner that I am I'd like to take this moment to offer up a huge platter of their own humble pie to go along with my dust. I heard after the bout that many of them were going on and on [during the bout] about how weak I am and how I can't take a hit... I guess that little theory fell flat on it's face. I'm no worse for wear today than I was the day before the bout... with the exception of a pretty damn sexy bruise on my rear. I may be small but I'm strong as the proverbial ox. Word up homeslice... put that in your pipe and smoke it.”
Fans from both teams were going nuts and as the clock runs out, the Rollettes won by three points.

FOOTNOTES
1 September 8 is International Literacy Day. Patsy Cline, MTV's Kennedy, Neko Case, and Pink were all born on September 8.

2 People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often are obsessed with arranging and rearranging items and are often frustrated with odd numbers. Soccer superstar David Beckham has OCD and admits he counts the cans of cola he keeps in his fridge, counts his clothes and places magazines in straight lines and symmetrical patterns.

3 The Sea Hag is also a character from the Popeye comic strip, first appearing in the 1930's. According to the bio at www.popeye.com, she 'owns 412 secret islands and hideouts.'
4 Tyrannosaurus Rex, the 'tyrant lizard' lived in the Upper Cretaceous period, 65-67 million years ago.

5 In 1994, Texas A&M University professor Patrick Michaud performed an experiment proving that, when left in the toaster too long, strawberry Pop-Tarts could produce flames over a foot high. The discovery triggered a flurry of lawsuits. Since then, Pop-Tarts carry the warning: 'Do not leave toasting appliances unattended due to possible risk of fire.
6 Emperor Ming the Merciless is the nemesis of Flash Gordon. He rules from Mingo City on the planet Mongo.

PRE SEASON EXPO BOUT @ INCREDIROLL AUGUST 19

2007-09-17T16:56:00.000+02:00

PRE SEASON EXPO BOUT @ INCREDIROLL AUGUST 19

Tea Krulos rolled into Incrediroll with a bad girl crew of Beerleaders and almost immediately started boxing a big ugly Russian dude, who probably showed up with the Rollettes. Biiiiiiiiig mofo, with claw scars on his head. Being a gentleman, Tea Krulos follows Queensberry rules, an old order of boxing etiquette.
“Let’s do this thing.” He told the Russian. He got in 38 solid punches (thwak, thwackity, twack, twack, left jab, right, right, right, left, left, twack, twack) before he was knocked out. Oh well, it was just a video game!

RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES, 43 points V.S. SHEVIL KNEVILS, 23 points
The Rollettes commanded the lead and jammer Fly Girl was in top form imposing a ‘no fly zone’ on the 8’s. Fellow Rollette Dr. Hari Huha got much “hoo-ing” and “ha-ing” from the crowd. The Knevils tried to keep it real with solid jams from Trash Talkin Tina, Milwaukee’s Breast, and newbie Irrational Velvet. Velvet tried to get rational with this reporter when he asked her if she thought the Knevils could pull through with a winning season.
“When you say pull through I immediately get a vision of a diseased old person beating that creepy old person disease. Please understand that the phrase pull through does not belong in the same sentence as Shevil. If you'd asked if we'd fight the good fight this year, Tea, with super extra awe inspiring, bruise inflicting derby tricks , I'd say ABSOLUTELY!” Velvet stated. Could the Knevils be this year’s champs?

CRAZY 8’S, 35 points V.S. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE, 23 points
The mysterious and elusive Sea Hag has returned! Newbies Mandini(MM) and The Mechanic(8’s) had a well played, intense match up. They were neck and neck but Mandini “falled it and called it”. Servin Justice(8’s) reminded everyone why she’s called “The Wall” as she knocked over a mess of Maidens. Things hit ground zero for newbie Nukly R. Assault(MM) as the EMTs examined her ankle and wheeled her out.
“My left ankle twisted in and my whole body kind of crunched on it. Hurt like hell when it happened and swelled up a bit. But it was just a sprain and is healing very fast.” Assault informed me.
The Maidens couldn’t catch up despite stellar skating by Romainiac, Sea Hag, Rejected Seoul, and company. I asked Maully Malone if she was confident in her team’s abilities this year.
“I know the maidens will continually gain momentum and see a winning season. Have you seen how rad our new girls are? All our team does is progress and learn and grow together more and more every week. We're really excited to see what we do this year.” She said. Fellow Maiden and former ref Gloria Hole added,
“With the expos over and the pre-season rapidly drawing to a close, I'd like to give one final shout-out to the Dirty Thirty and take a second to say how proud I am to have been a part of such a fabulous gang of hardworking ladies.” Could the Maidens be this year’s champs?

THE SHOCKER
The Beerleaders were in fine form doing “The Girls Want To Be Her” by Peaches. A hand gesture known as “the shocker” was displayed. If you are not familiar with “the shocker” or how indeed one “rocks it” you won’t find out here because I do not want to corrupt the innocent minds reading this e-newsletter.

CRAZY 8’s WIN BIG, 43 points V.S. Rushin’ Rollettes, 21 points
The 8’s were itching to rematch the Rollettes after the Rollettes walked away with last year’s championship. The skating was fast and furious. The Rollettes jammer squad included Fly Girl, Rhoda Ruin, and Fidela Castrate, who was a blocker last season. I asked her if liked jamming or blocking better.
"I enjoy both equally, either way this season I will be like a Cuban chopping down sugar cane." Tough words. Could the Rollettes be this year’s champs? The 8’s kept it rolling steady with Pabsty Cline, who got into an ugly ankle twister, Cookie Ciano, Termiskater, and Abba Zabba. It was a solid performance and they pushed ahead to beat the Rollettes by 22 points. Could the 8’s be this year’s champs?
Find out this season!

CHI TOWN/ SUMMERFEST BOUTS

2007-07-13T21:18:00.000+02:00

JUNE 17- BREWCITY BRUISERS TRAVEL TEAM- 90 points vs. CHI TOWN SIRENS- 103 points
It was a hot day and millions of cicadas were buzzing, was it a bad omen? I cruised down to the Orbits roller rink with Jenerous Beatings, Pistolero, and fellow derby fans Dave and Evan. Our fearless travel team was set to match up against the Chi Town Sirens, one of two Chicago based leagues.
There were four jammers and they were all doing a great job, Reina Pain, Grace Killy, Cookie Ciano, and Rejected Seoul. The Sirens with the most jam time were Captain Beth Amphetamine, Donna D Apocalypse, and Karmageddon. The two teams were neck and neck the first period, ending with the nail biting score of 33-33!
In the second period we saw Ciano use her own teammate as a bowling ball to knock down the Sirens. Seoul and Pain were cruising through the pack like lightening, and the second period ended with the Bruisers behind by a close seven points.
The Bruisers took the lead in the third period. All the jammers were stepping up to kick some ass, but their lead started to disappear, as players were sent to the penalty box. But Jenerous Beatings thought the problem might be elsewhere.
“TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SUNGLASSES!” she yelled several times to referee BB Wolfe. After the bout, however, he showed her that the sunglasses actually make things look lighter. Think Terminator or Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night”. The Sirens pulled ahead and won the match 103-90. Hey, those FIBs play a mean game! I got a chance to talk to Siren Captain Beth Amphetamine after the bout and here’s what she had to say:
“The teams were very evenly matched and the bout was hard fought until the end.... and then we all went out drinking. They are a great group of women. I’m looking forward to a re-match in Milwaukee!”

JULY 1
A nostalgic moment for this humble derby journalist, who started documenting the Bruise crew at their first expo bout at last year’s Summerfest. Go BRUISERS!

CRAZY 8’s- 19 points vs. RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 24 points
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline started the match off by facing newbie jammer Dr. Hari Huha. Each team has several newbies this year, and it looks like a fine bumper crop. Cline led, but heard a Huha not far behind her. Ivanna Smackdavitch is back in action, after sitting out much of last season, so look out!
Newbies Jail House Roxie (RR) and Kat Ass Trophy (8’s) faced off, along with season one all stars Fly Girl (RR) and Abba Zabba (8’s)

SHEVIL KNEVILS- 10 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 27 points
Romaniac might be the Maiden newbie jammer to look out for. She was cruising like a firecracker both days, swooping and smiling her way through the pack. There was a surreal moment when Bootsi Call (SK) who wasn’t even skated up, ran onto the track and tackled Grace Killy, Maiden jammer and Captain of the BCB travel team, who, by the way Bootsi is co-captain of. I asked Bootsi for an explanation to her behavior.
“I tolerated Grace Killy's sassiness and show boating while we captained the travel team together. But now that we're on different teams I can openly be her sworn enemy. I vow to take her down every time the Shevil's play the Maidens,whether I'm skating or not.
That girl is going to be on her ass one way or another. If I have to tackle her from the bench every time, so be it.”
“Bootsi's a big talker. It's just too bad she doesn't have the skills to back up her mouth.” Killy responded.
Sexi Mexi (MM) moshed Pistolero (SK) Maiden style, and newbies Mandini and Edna Gein and Evil’s Agent (all three MM) showed off their skills.

JULY 2
SHEVIL KNEVILS- 13 points vs. CRAZY 8’s- 22 points
Wow! Things were totally crazy on the track today. Everyone and their mothers were getting into brawls. It started almost immediately with Disco InSterno and Termiskater wrestling on the concrete, dragging in refs Swing Wreck and Machete Holiday, almost making zebra stew out of them. Bam a lam! Shevils Captain Becky The Butcher wasn’t joking around when she slammed down Kat Ass Trophy. Ka-Pow! Jenerous Beatings of the 8’s brang the beat down to Shevils co-captain, the mohawk sporting Sugar Tank.
Beatings told me about the lead up to the fight.
“She was ragging on me all day about how her team was going to win and the final straw was when she yanked on my hair during the jam. That was it. That bitch had to go down. I got a few good hits in. I bet she has a nice bruise on her ribcage right about now.”
Shhhhhmack! Next on the bad girls list is Norma Bates (SK) who got psycho on Mel Evolence (8’s). Crunch! Servin Justice, also known as “The Wall” knocked down Shevil jammer Disco InSterno. Newbie jammer Irrational Velvet (SK) cruised hard but was knocked over by newbie Kim N’ Tonic (8’s).

What?! RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 5 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23 points
It was a proud day for the Maidens as they beat down last year’s season champions, the Rollettes. Newbie Maiden jammers Romaniac and Mandini, skated well, along with last season’s heavy hitters Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul. Seoul instigated a couple fights this evening, and regular Talk Derby readers are pretty familiar with her antics. She started off by taking out Rollette newbie Melba Toastya, later tackled Poptart, ripping off her pivot patch and throwing it! Mandini was cruising and, ouch, got tackled by Rollette newbie, the geisha make up sporting Gogo Atari. The two apparently have a magical and mysterious history of confrontation.
“What HASN'T Mandini done to piss me off?!? First she showed me how to make a wallet disappear--using mine as an example, leaving me completely broke--and then she sawed my baby pet albino monkey Miruku in half while laughing maniacally. Then when I tied her up and threw her into the lake, I turned around and there she was! She's had that comin' for a while, now.” Indeed.

CRAZY 8’s- 14 points vs. THE QUEENS OF SUMMERFEST MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 22 points

The teams lined up to face off for the big prize, a case of Miller Light. With this on the line, it shouldn’t be surprising that brawls were breaking every turn. Maiden Newbie Scarmelo Soprano got mafioso on 8’s Newbie The Other White Meat. If “Meatie” looks familiar it’s because her sister Milwaukee’s Breast, more commonly known as “Boobies” shreds it up with the Shevils. I asked Soprano to sing.
“I actually do love the The Other White Meat, she's awesome, but she kept trying to start shit with me so I had to take her down a peg! We are both very competitive with each other.”
Mandini knocked Little Miss Tuffit onto her tuffet.
“There’s only room for one munchkin on the track and that’s me, she needs to watch her back!” Tuffhit told me.
By now the penalty box was getting crowded. The Maidens emerged victorious, and seemed to have a good mix of experienced players and talented newbies.

AMBULANCE CHASER
Maiden Milwaukee’s Sexi Mexi received a knee injury. Big boos to the beer stand nearby who would not part with their precious ice when concerned team mate BTE asked for some.
8’s jammer Pabsty Cline found herself with mystery symptoms after the match.
“After the bout I started getting really dizzy and sick. They kept checking my heart rate and it kept going up every time they checked it so they took me away to First Aid. My heart rate still wouldn't go down so they gave me an EKG to make sure it wasn't my heart. I don't think they knew what was going on because they had to call in other paramedics to get a second opinion on the EKG. Finally my heart rate went down (after about an hour) and they let me leave.”

RAH! RAH! RAH! WANT TO BE A BEERLEADER?

2007-07-13T21:15:00.000+02:00

“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” Whiskey Longstocking is calling off the steps to “Supersonic,” a bouncy hip hop song by JJ Fad. This is day one, April 14, of the two day audition process for the Beerleaders, the cheer squad for the Brew City Bruisers roller derby league. The returning Beerleaders from last year, the first season, demonstrate the routine and then Whiskey leads them through the first part.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” The audition is taking place at Bucketworks, a converted warehouse space that bills itself as a “fitness center for the brain”. The tryouts are in the dance studio on the second floor. Some people might say the room is beat up, but I say it has character. Ancient radiators line one wall, and a pipe sprinkler system zig zags the ceiling. The floor is lined with tape and is warped by water damage in one corner. The other wall is a collection of mirrors.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!” A pleasant breeze shoots through the open window, along with the call of seagulls. Whiskey has shown them the second set of steps, and now they are going to try to do both sets of steps together.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 1-2,3-4, 5-6, 7-8.” They go through this a couple times, slowly.
The audition had begun an hour earlier.
There are six returning Beerleaders, Phyllis Swiller, Robin Ya’Blind, Anais Sin, Tipsy Lipsy, Pussy LaGore, and Whiskey Longstocking. There were several other Beerleaders who were part of the squad, but as is often the case, several moved, or became wrapped up in work or school.
“It is a time commitment.” Robin Ya’Blind stresses to the recruits, six of which have shown up today. All of the women present are sitting in a circle on the floor. The recruits are filling out an application titled “Want to be a Beerleader?” Then the Beerleaders begin telling them the history of the squad, which began with a winter of 2006 meeting at Broad Vocabulary, a feminist bookstore in Bay View. They began looking at rehearsal spaces, eventually calling Bucketworks home.
“We’re not your average cheerleaders.” Swiller says, smiling.
They then go around the circle explaining why they are here today.
“I was a cheerleader for twelve years in school, and when I saw you at Summerfest (for a Bruiser expo bout) I missed being part of a group of girls…”
“I was a cheerleader in high school, but I was the fat one with purple streaks in my hair.”
“I hang out with a lot of guys and thought this would be a great way to exercise and socialize with women…”
“… when I talk about the Beerleaders, my face just lights up and I get a little twinkle in my eye…”
Someone mentions they didn’t feel like possibly spraining a leg or getting their teeth knocked out by strapping on skates with the Bruisers. But the Beerleaders have some war stories of their own, bruises and twisted ankles. This leads Robin Ya’Blind to talk about more potential strains. She is articulate and precise.
“We like to be individuals, but we also need to work together as a team. You need to work with others and keep a positive attitude and keep dancing. Learn the basics of derby so you know when to cheer. Be an open communicator. It’s tough to work with all women.” As dance choreographer, Pussy agrees.
“You’re going to get frustrated and pissed off at me. But it all comes together. Somehow it always does.” They outline a typical Beerleader practice. A half hour of stretching, an hour of dancing, followed by a half hour of talking about cheers, upcoming events, costume ideas (“By the way, fishnet stockings are on clearance at Target”), etc. They mention time commitment again.
“One time we were practicing in someone’s backyard at 9 at night.”
They go over what an actual bout is like. The recruits must get used to the fact that they will be facing huge crowds of people, many armed with flash cameras.

“WE ARE ROUGH AND WE ARE TOUGH, WE’RE THE BRUISERS AND WE’LL FUCK YOU UP!”
“Okay, Let’s try it together now. We are rough (clap) we are tough we’re the Bruisers (clap) and we’ll (right punch) fuck you (left punch) up (extend arm and flip the bird).” They go over it a couple times. They go on to a new cheer, “On Your Knees”.
“WHAT DO YOU DO TO A BRUISER YOU MEET? YOU GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, YOU CAN NOT PRAY ON YOUR FEET, YOU ASK THE MIGHTY BRUISER FOR HER MERCY TO GIVE AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE (Quadruple clap) SHE’LL LET YOU LIVE!”
After a water break, they do some stretches and exercises to get ready for practicing the aforementioned “Supersonic” routine. They do jumping jacks, leg lifts, kung fu kicks, the Riverdance, a cabaret kick, arm stretches, toe touches, palm plants, the London bridge, and more. Then Whiskey starts counting it off.
“1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8!”

DAY 2
It’s a lazy Sunday. The Beerleaders are sitting around chatting and examining the auditioning girl’s forms. Anais Sin sits on the floor sprinkling mozzarella cheese on tortillas and eating them.
“There’s a microwave downstairs you know.” Someone says. She shrugs. Then a recruit tells about her Saturday night.
“My husband wanted to go to the Riverhorse at 3AM. I told him they were closed and I had to work in the morning anyhow, so he rolled down his window and was yelling, spelling out lame…L-A-M-E-! over and over.” After a run through of the cheers, they do warm ups. Phyllis Swiller is sitting on the floor, handwriting six evaluation forms for the recruits, who will have to perform the “Supersonic” routine in front of everyone solo.
“Why don’t you go downstairs and make copies on the copy machine?”
“Does it even work?”
“You don’t know until you ask!”
“Cause every time I try to use it, it doesn’t work.”
“Well, then, that machine’s just a cocktease.”
At 2PM the individual auditions begin to “Supersonic”. After each audition there is note writing on the evaluation forms and general small talk, including speculation on the size of Orlando Bloom’s package. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloom, the consensus is that it’s probably pretty small.
Each girl does a fine job remembering the “1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 7-8.”
“I have to say we did an amazing job, it was like a real try out.” Swiller tells me. She makes an announcement to the group, who is assembling their backpacks, water bottles, and other gear.
“Thanks for showing up, everyone, I’ll give you a call on Wednesday and let you know.”

Bruisers in Vegas!

2007-05-15T20:06:00.001+02:00

The Brew City Bruisers Travel Team recently travelled to Vegas, baby. They lost to the Sin City Neander Dolls, but it was a great first effort on the road. Be sure to check them out this Saturday at the Franklin Sports Complex, where the travel team will take on the Minnesota Roller Girls.
Brewcity Bruisers: 80 points, 43 penalties
Sin City Neander Dolls: 124 points, 37 penalties

Arm Wrestling Throwdown!

2007-05-10T17:18:00.000+02:00

I was glad to host an unofficial Brew City Bruisers Arm Wrestling contest in my kitchen during a huge rummage sale I was having on April 28. Grace Killy, Abba Zabba, Jenerous Beatings, Smirk Savage, and Big Terrible Easy participated. Beatings beat out Zabba for third, and after a long, intense deadlock, BTE pushed ahead to beat Killy for the number one spot, although Smirk presented and won a left hand challenge. Thanks much to these Bruisers, it was a blast!

Also, I was quite honored to be a guest judge for the second annual Bruisers karaoke contest, along with represenatives from WMSE and KISS FM. It was a great time and all the singers did a fine job.

THE GOLDEN WHEEL AWARDS

2007-02-24T18:03:00.000+01:00

pictured: Servin Justice gallops away with four awards

The first ever Golden Wheel Awards, for the 2006 season, were held at the Pulaski Inn in Cudahy. The Pulaski Inn is a wonderful place to hold such an event, and the style of the building made me think "Bavarian" over and over although admittedly I don't have much knowledge of Bavarian architecture, and Pulaski actually sounds more Polish to me than Bavarian.
The Bruisers were all dressed to the nines, and the complimentary Grundnahrungsmittel(which means liquid bread in the Bavarian dialect) hit the spot. I arrived with J. JasonGroschopf and Robin Ya'Blind, who wowed the crowd with her sensible fashion. This reporter was dressed entirely in a Bavarian shade of black from head to foot. The award ceremony began and it clipped along at a decent pace, no long winded acceptance speeches thanking the academy or the people of Bavaria. And the winners are...

Best Beerleader- Kim N' Tonic
Best Zebra (er, referee)- Snaps Smear
(Note- both were featured in a previous column)
Best Dance Moves- Servin Justice
Best Tagline- Boner (Comin straight attcha!)
Best Party Animal- Big Terrible Easy
Best Derby Name- Boner
Most Penalties- Reina Pain (27 penalties, 1 major penalty)
Your Mama Wins Award- Smirk Savage
Smells Like Team Spirit Award- Pistolero
Most Dedicated Player- Servin Justice
Most Improved Player- Mel Evolence
Pivot of the Year- Kat Skratch Fever
Blocker of the Year- Servin Justice
Bruises are a Girl's Best Friend Award- Crazy Janie
Unsung Hero- Damnaged Goods
Hardest Hitter- Holly DeClaw
Jammer of the Year- Grace Killy
Co-Captain of the Year- Beezlebelle
Captain of the Year- Cookie Ciano
2006 MVP- Servin Justice

They then listed who would make the best A and B teams-
The A Team: Servin Justice, Holly DeClaw, Pound Anya, Kat Skratch Fever,and Grace Killy.
(Which one is supposed to be B.A. Barakas?)

The B for Bavarian Team: Reina Pain, Milwaukee's Breast(more commonly known as "Boobies"),Sexi Mexi, A Lethal Weapon, Rocka Wheelie,and Beezlebelle.

The founders of the league, Butch Cassidy, Carny Power, and Jesse Jameson, were
also presented with awards. The big winner of the night was obviously the six foot Bavarian Valkyrie Servin Justice, who scooped four wheelies, including MVP. She
also announced the good word that the Bruisers are now officially members of the WFTDA(Women's Flat Track Derby Association),the governing body of over thirty leagues nationwide. I think all the winners were appropriately deserving. Here's my own awards for the night...

Craziest Drunk- Jenerous Beatings. Or was she just high on life?
Best Dressed- Boom Boom Bender, who was a Bavarian beauty in a traditional Fraulein dress.
Best Use of Polka Dots- Alovicious
Worst Dancer in a Five State Area- Tea Krulos
Worst Dance Move- The Bavarian Pretzel (invented by Tea Krulos)
Most Awkward Moment- When Tea Krulos, who drinks heavily to function in social situations, introduces himself to a Bruiser who just stares at him like he straight up walked out of a Bavarian horror movie. (I can still see the aweful event in my head. I'm standing there with 5,500 point Times New Roman bold font letters that say "DRUNK" floating above my head like those stupid 'I'm thinking Arby's' commercials. I try to introduce myself, but the words come out inverted and upside down. The look on her face clearly says she thinks I'm a weird molester. I had just eaten a handful of radishes, so my breath reeks of radish and booze. That's how I roll.)
Best Seat in the House Award- A kid's rocking horse that somehow found it's way to the dance floor.
Most Sobering Moment- Smashalina Jolie announcing that everyone will shortly be buried under four feet of snow.

All in all, a fantastic evening. Keep warm, and keep it Bavarian!

Foot Patrol Article

2007-02-24T17:49:00.000+01:00

I wrote an article on the Concerned Citizens Foot Patrol, started by Jenerous Beatings and Big Terrible Easy, for the Riverwest Currents. You can read it hear:
http://www.riverwestcurrents.org/2007/February/002585.html

Featured Bruiser- Ivanna Smackdavitch

2006-12-30T01:06:00.000+01:00

Sitting in an airport on her way back from New Orleans, Ivanna (she later added the Smackdavitch) saw a TV show (Rollergirls)on a Texas Roller Derby team. She says it seemed to her that all the best girls were in this sport and if she wanted to meet them she would need to be a derby girl herself. The Bruisers provided her with that opportunity. Stranded by her friends that graduated and moved on she needed a way to meet the badass girls of Milwaukee. Knowing that volleyball leagues and such were not the place for her she joined the Bruisers to meet all the “cool chicks” in this city.
Apart from all the badass girls that the Bruisers have to offer there is also the role of competition in derby. Ivanna feels that it provides a healthy outlet for competition among women which most don’t have. She says that it helps make women more at ease with themselves and have more self-confidence through competition and exercise but also friendship with the other girls. Are there any downsides to derby? According to Ivanna “No, hell no.”
As the Captain of the notoriously most hated team in Milwaukee, the Rushin Rollettes, Ivanna says she feels proud to hold that title. The team is more then happy to embrace that title because they pride themselves on being the most badass. A win in this season's championship solidifies their right to boast that title. However, behind closed doors it is clear that this team holds some of the league's “most kind and wonderful girls” according to their Captain.
profile by Hannah Mog

Championship Bout, December 15

2006-12-21T16:32:00.000+01:00

Note- the featured Bruisers will be added after the holiday.
Bruiser Stadium was in a festive mood with a "Grandma Got Run Over By a Roller Girl" theme. But the question on everyone's mind was, who will take all? It's been a long road and a great first season. The Bruisers have done what they had to do, every step of the way.

The GRUDGE MATCH- Shevils v.s. Maidens
The Maidens started racking up an early lead despite some aggression from Knevils Alovicious, Punch Kisser, and Captain Becky the Butcher. Punch Kisser was first to the penalty box, and just a couple jams after getting out was right back at it, taking out Sexi Mexi. In an unusual jam just before the half, Maiden Milwaukee Captain Killer Jiller had a false start when she took off at the first whistle instead of the second. Jiller and Punch Kisser collided when taking a corner. Jiller suffered a knee injury and was taken away by the EMTs, although it was later updated that she will be ok. In the last jam before the half, the Maidens got a penalty for too many skaters on the track, but this did little to slow them down. Rejected Seoul did a slick dance move to gain the lead jammer position and the Maidens lead by 17 points.

The CHAMPIONSHIP- Crazy 8's v.s. Rollettes

Everyone was excited to see who would come out on top as the first Bruiser champions and it turned out to be a real nail biter. Reina Pain proved to be a smooth skater. After taking down Pound Anya , A Lethal Weapon ended up in the penalty box, where the Drag Queens guarding it have probably started charging her rent. She was soon joined by her team mate Abba Zabba. Fly Girl slid and took out ref Machete Holiday. Mel Evolence was sent packing and the 8's trailed by just three at the half.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did a booty shakin hip hop routine.

It was the last night as a Beerleader for Kim N'Tonic, but she will be back as a skater for next season. Newbies will be drafted into the league in the off season. There will be more familiar faces in the draft, including referee Gloria Hole, who had this to say. “To be honest, I'll be happy no matter what team I wind up on - all these girls are awesome and I'd be honored to skate with any of them.” Bootsi Call moved here from Las Vegas, where she skated for the Neander Dolls in the Sin City Derby league. She has helped with reffing, and was a guest skater for the Shevils this bout.
“Butcher is great. I am so glad that I was able to play as a special guest on her team. I love the BCBs! Everyone has been so welcoming of me. My real hope is for the Bruisers to go to Vegas and beat my derby orgins on their own turf- but that might not happen until spring 08." Bootsy said. That would be pretty sweet!

GRUDGE MATCH- Maidens beat Shevils, 74-35
It became quickly obvious that the Knevils wanted to go down shooting. Crazy Janie and Becky the Butcher were both sent to the cage early on. Punch Kisser slammed Beezlebelle with her shoulder, knocking her down twice. Then the legend continued when Pistolero clashed with Rejected Seoul. Readers of "Talk Derby To Me" will remeber their rumble at the October bout and post bout smack talk in this column. Brutal! I asked Rejected Seoul for comments on Round 2.

"Well you know paybacks a bitch. The way she was lookin I could tell she wanted to feel Rejected and there's more then enough Seoul to go around. So the track is even and if she decides to take me down again I'll be too busy look'n Good." Seoul said.

Next up, Becky the Butcher picked a fight with Grace Killy, who threw her jammer patch (the identifing material with a star that fits over the helmet) to the floor in anger after both were sent to the box. Becky explains her motivation. "I just wanted to show her where all her show-boating would get her. Besides I knew she was just dying to have some alone time with me in the cage."

"We've all seen Butcher do that maneuver before. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of taking me down easily. As soon as she grabbed my arm I decided I was going to take her for a ride and I dragged her for most of the back straight before I let her know how I felt about her tactics. Damn dirty play." Killy responded. She was the top scorer of the night, netting 32 big points. This incident left the next jam with the awkward position of having no jammers for the first minute. After a minute, Rejected Seoul and Alovicious rushed in. The match ended with a no holds barred, battle royale fight with both teams, the zebras, and even the Drag Queens and announcer Joe Calcutta. I had a great view of the whole thing and it originated with a tango between Crazy Janie and troublemaker Kinky Tuscadero. I asked Tuscadero if she had an explanation.

“Whenever I show my ass off in silver hotpants it's not uncommon for a dozen people to fall over and start fighting each other.
This time, however, I just happened to catch Crazy Janie give me a trashy snicker, so you KNOW I had to take that hot mama DOWN! When Sugar Tank came and started spankin' on my silver bumper, it was all over. Who wouldn't want to get in on that action?! They don't call it the 'All Natural Weapon of Ass Distraction' for nothin', Darlin.” Later she admitted to how close this reporter was to ending up a statistic. "I was just about to take YOU out when the whole thing was called off. Count your lucky stars, my friend." Yowza!
The Maidens won big. I think Punch Kisser described the Knevil situation best.
“Derby is all I think of, I replay the game over and over and can't wait for next season when our losses can be avenged!” she said.

ROLLETTES WIN CHAMPIONSHIP, 42-35
The moment of truth drew close, and the half started with a skull rattling injury to Mae Killya. It happaned to be her birthday, so the announcers led the crowd in singing "Happy Birthday" while the EMTS examined her. I asked her if this was a weird moment for her.

"I didn't hear it until I got up. You see, I was still hearing little tweeting birdies."

She turned out to be alright, and a few jams later was back in the game, and got herself into the penalty box. Pabsty Cline and Kat Scratch Fever were both sent to the cage, which didn't help the 8's, and Cookie Ciano had trouble getting past Rollettes blocker extradonaire Fidela Castrate. The clock was running out, which was good news for the Rollettes, as more and more players were sent to the box, including Reina Pain and Roadie Foster. Holly DeClaw and Little Miss Tuffhit began to bang heads.

"I guess I pissed her off somehow...but there was no way I was gonna fight. The game was too close and I was not gonna end up in the penalty box for fighting.
My mom was really proud of me for not fighting." DeClaw told me, and mad props to Ma DeClaw.
"ummm yeah...sometimes you just gotta take a girl out! Thats what happens when you get in my way." explains Tuffhit. Poptart seemed to suffer an injury near the last jam, "I pulled something in my leg when Servin knocked me down." she later told me.
The Rollettes sealed the deal, sealing the deal for the championship by just seven points.
WHAT NEXT?
On a personal note, I wanted to say what I great time I've had writing this column from the Summerfest expo bouts all the way through the season. I've had such a blast, I'm definately going to carry on writintg it next season, and would like to do a couple update columns in the off season about the draft and other things going on. Until then, keep TALK'N DERBY!

Finals Pictures

2006-12-20T23:50:00.000+01:00

All these photos by Paul Kjelland. He shot alot of great photos, and I have more coming in from Jen Blando. I will post more after I sort through them.

RUSHIN' ROLLETTES WIN CHAMPIONSHIP!

2006-12-18T02:29:00.000+01:00

Congradulations to the Rollettes, 2006 Derby champs! I'm writing and drinking and the column on the finals bout should be posted here within a day or two.

photo by Paul Kjelland

Liv Wrong Season One Injuries

2006-12-06T21:48:00.000+01:00

Click on it to see a bigger version. Drawing by Tea Krulos.

Circus! Circus! Semi-Finals! Nov.19

2006-11-26T01:02:00.000+01:00

photo by Mark Baran
CRAZY 8's v.s. SHEVIL KNEVILS, First Half

The announcers have started referring to 8's blocker Servin Justice as "The Wall" and with good reason. The Knevils were spiraling out of control trying to get past her. And speaking of 8's blockers, guess who was the first skater to visit the penalty box? That's right, it's home sweet home for A Lethal Weapon. The Knevils have some toughies for blockers as well. Boom Boom Bender handed a thumpin' to Abba Zabba, Bump Kitty served some bumpin's, and Crazy Janie knocked over Servin Justice, toppling "The Wall", despite the fact that she is still recovering from a broken jaw. "Holy Cats...did you see her take me out? I'm gonna get her..." Justice told me.

Trash Talkin Tina(SK) was all over the place. In my notes, my abbreviation for her, TTT appears frequently. She was sent to the penalty box, and was none too thrilled with the zebras.

“I was sent to the penalty box for hitting Kat Scratch Fever in the face. Oops. I was a bit ticked at the refs because I thought they should’ve been calling more penalties, but whatever. I do feel like I got hit more often than I ever have before.” TTT told Me.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES v.s. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE, First Half

Both teams made good use of solid jammer line ups. For the Rollettes, frequent jammers were Poptart, Fly Girl, Jackie O'Nihilate, Reina Pain, and Smirk Savage. Savage was skating like the Tasmanian Devil. I saw her fly into a photographer's tripod and was knocked over more than once, but she spun back to her feet. I think I saw her do a quadruple flip in the air, but I'm not sure. The Maiden's jammers include the speedy Grace Killy, Rejected Seoul, and the mysterious and crafty Sea Hag. Beezlebelle jammed a good one, but did a fly over when the pack in front of her collapsed.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did a totally creepy marionette doll act with a seven deadly sins theme."Crackerjack of the Mad Rollin Dolls liked the performance so much, she asked us to perform it at their Christmas bout, Dec.9" Robin Ya'Blind told me after the bout. The Hoopafreaks whooped it up hoop style and Snowfire showed why the Burning Man Festival leads the world in glow stick consumption.

CRAZY 8's OUTSTUNT KNEVILS 56-44

The Knevils have had a rough time this season with no wins. That being said, they have a large and loyal following that has cheered them on every bout. Hopefully next season they can channel some of that Raw Power into some wins. Alovicious put in some dynamic jams, including a neck and neck crash and bash with 8's jammer Pabsty Cline. It looked like Mae Killya was in some severe pain at some point, so I asked if she had been injured.

“A couple months ago I sustained an injury at practice…the torn (shoulder) ligaments impacted my ability to lift a beer…I sat and cheered my team to victory (last bout). The joy of that victory gave me the resolve to learn to use my left hand to lift a beer to my face and lo and behold, I could skate again. Beer and a Crazy 8- it’s like spinach was to Popeye.”

Punk Rock to the maximum, jammer Sugar Tank was sent to the kennel. She explains,

“Yeah the only reason I got sent to the penalty box was because I was literally clawing my way through the pack. I had no penalties in the first half, the second half I think something switched in my brain and I went a little crazy.”

RUSHINS ROLL UP MAIDENS 60-44

The half started with Liv Wrong (who suffered a concussion last bout) getting knocked over and receiving a knee injury. The EMTs took her to the hospital, where it was revealed she had a sprained muscle.

True to form, she showed up at the Bruiser's after party for a beer. A Krulos salute to this Bruiser hero.

Next there was a slight dust up between Rejected Seoul and Jackie O'Nihilate, with Jackie O sent to the kennel. “She was engaging me when I was 20 feet ahead of the pack. When she finally got called on it, I made sure to make my feelings clear on the matter by showing her the sad rejected face.” Seoul stated. Jackie O had a more diplomatic response.

“I gotta say, in the midst of the flurry, things happen.” she said.

Grace Killy was sent to the penalty box, leaving the Maidens with no jammer. I asked Killy what penalty had sent her packin’.

“I can only assume it was for passing out of bounds. I was getting held up by the Rushins and sometimes the lesser of two evils is to pass out of bounds, lose the point but make it around for another pass, but not if it’s your fourth foul!”

A couple jams later, Reina Pain and Sexi Mexi started to get into it, but were both quickly sent to the penalty box before it escalated.

“I guess if I would’ve known I was going to be thrown in the box for basically a shoved arm, I would’ve clocked her and let it go into a full blown rumble. I felt cheated, I wouldn’t even call it a fight. Next time it’s oooonnn!” Sexi Mexi told me.

Jesse Jameson and Fidela Castrate also ended up caged. The crowd was going crazy for the last jam. A loud dude behind me was chanting Rollettes! Rollettes! over and over. As the final jammers, Reina Pain and Sea Hag, lined up he stood up and screamed "Hey SEA HAG- EAT IT!" It was a strong showing by the Maidens, But it will be the Rollettes facing the Crazy 8's for the number one spot at next month's finals.
"I'm so damn proud of all the skaters! From bout to bout it's very evident who has been busting their asses at practice because the skating skills keep impressing me!" Servin Justice stated.
I asked Rollettes Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch had words of warning for the 8's.
“Those ninjas should get ready for the Rollettes to deliver some serious communist blocks and Iron Hurtin. There is nothing more to say.”
Son of a gun! The Bruiser Finals are Friday, December 15th at 7PM at Bruiser Stadium aka the Milwaukee County Sports Stadium, 6000 W.Ryan Road

Featured Ref- Snaps Smear

2006-11-25T23:12:00.000+01:00

profile by Hannah Mog
In his role as the head referee of the Bruisers, Snaps Smear is dedicated to the girls and takes ensuring their safety very seriously. Before the girls even step foot on the floor Snaps has taken part in setting up the track and either himself or another ref has skated it first. Snaps is present for 2-3 night practices a week and always present at Sunday morning practices. Living in Racine his commute is 45 minutes each way but feels that it is “worth it”. At first Snaps was interested in the Bruisers from a spectator position, “for the same reasons any other guy would be interested”. However, after then best
friend Sugartank (fiancé as of the Summerfest bout) invited him to become part of the team as a referee he soon became a foundational member of the organization. He says he is drawn to the differences between the members and
how everyone appreciates those differences. The league has drawn the refs in as part of the community of derby and treats them as team members. As the first season winds down Snaps would like to express his gratitude to the city of Milwaukee for their support of the girls for the great first season. “There will never be another 1st season, these girls gave birth to derby in
Milwaukee.”

Featured Beerleader- Kim n' Tonic

2006-11-25T22:26:00.000+01:00

profile by Hannah Mog
The Brewcity Beerleaders have become an important component to not only the Bruisers themselves but to the elaborate bouts put on each month. Standing on the sidelines, dressed according to the particular theme of that bout, the Beerleaders add energy and theatrics to an already exciting sporting event. The co-captain and “drill bitch” of the Beerleaders is Kim N' Tonic. She a prime example of the Beerleaders, with energy to spare and an upbeat attitude she exemplifies her squad. In her role as a co-captain she not only helps conduct practices but spends much of her time coordinating the correspondence between the teams and the Beerleaders.
Some of the girls in the Beerleaders were not interested in becoming a derby player from the beginning while others, like Kim N' Tonic, were too late in signing up and all positions were filled. Another chance for involvement came when Jesse Jameson, one of the founding members of the league, suggested to Kim that she try out for the Leaders. As a member she is not only involved in her team but the league as a whole. Kim N' Tonic plans on continuing her involvement in the league and would like to thank all the derby girls for their acceptance of the Beerleaders into the organization.

Pictures by Jen Blando

2006-11-09T00:27:00.000+01:00

Featured Bruiser- Punch Kisser

2006-11-07T22:16:00.000+01:00

#25, Shevil Knevils
profile by Hannah Mog
Punch Kisser was the official first member of the Brewcity Bruisers. First to sign up after her then room-mate Butch Cassidy (co-founder of the league) told her about the formation.
Coming here from Flagstaff, Arizona she has quickly become ingrained in the communities of Riverwest and the Bruisers.
Punch says derby is her new found passion and she finds most of her time and thoughts dedicated to it. In her role as a sculptor she has spent most of her life being consumed by thoughts of her art. However, her participation in derby
has taken over and become “all-consuming”, in a good way. Holding down jobs at Atomic Records, Art Bar and the sculpture department at UWM has her involved in various projects which keep her busy.

With no commitments to anyone or anything (other than jobs) she is free to dedicate herself fully to whichever projects she is currently undertaking.
She says she loves the actual act of rollerskating more than anything else involved but also the community which the derby girls form. She also says that even the days when she is exhausted and doesn't want to go to practice as soon as she arrives she is happy to be there and ready to go. Playing with “110%”,she is truly a derby girl, passionate and a little bit crazy.

THE ROLLER DERBY FREAK SHOW

2006-11-07T01:03:00.000+01:00

Here is the new column that will appear in the Nov.15 UnderCurrents. This column is reporting on the bout that happened back on Halloween weekend, Oct.28. So, BOO! Maybe that’ll get you back in the mindset of the awesome combined forces of the supernatural and Roller Derby.

The Crazy 8’s V.S. Rushin Rollettes, First half

This was a hotly anticipated match up. The Rollettes were thus far undefeated, and the 8’s had suffered just one controversial loss the previous bout. After apparently winning by one point, it was declared that they had in fact lost by three points. Surely they must have felt an ancient need for vengeance, like a ninja star sailing toward it’s target. They were down a few players however, including Beatings, Oww, and Latina.

The Rollettes are crafty. When they rolled out they announced that they had changed their name to “The Eggrollers”. The Rollettes slag the 8’s by calling them “Eggrollers” while the 8’s call the Rollettes “Team Pretty”. However, I also believe that the Rollettes did this as a dirty commie trick to confuse the masses.

The 8’s brought their A game, constantly rotating a line up of four talented jammers- Captain Cookie Ciano, Pabsty Cline, Abba Zabba, and Termiskater. They also played a strong defense. For example in one jam I saw speedy jammer Fly Girl repeatedly pummeled and knocked over by 8’s blockers.

“They were plotting I tell you. Plotting!” Fly Girl informed me.

It is this aggressive blocking that quickly sent two 8’s, Servin Justice and A Lethal Weapon, to the penalty box (also known as the “kennel” or “the cage guarded by dangerous Drag Queens”) . A word to the wise- look out for these two! They’ll slam into you and ten mothers that look just like you without batting an eye.

According to the official penalty sheet, Weapon herself collected 3 pushing penalties, 2 illegal blocking penalties and a chasing penalty. Toward the end Jackie O’Nihilate was sent to the kennel for one minute, leaving the Rollettes with no jammer. Rollettes Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch was pointing to 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline, screaming, “Take her out!” and at one point threw down her clipboard in disgust. The 8’s led 57-37.

Shevil Knevils V.S. Maiden Milwaukee, First Half

An audible gasp of shock was heard when Knevil Captain Becky the Butcher skated around the rink holding an actual skinned cow head. Everyday is Halloween for Sea Hag, who, as usual slunk quickly through the pack with Trash Talkin Tina right on her heels. Grace Killy was bumped down by Bump Kitty, but bounced back. The crowd loves it when she pulls ahead and showboats by skating backwards. The Knevils were trailing 19-32 at halftime.

HALFTIME

The Beerleaders did an excellent routine to “Thriller” with their own red leather clad Michael Jackson zombie. I want to do the moonwalk just thinking about it. Infamous UnderCurrents contributor J.Jason Groschopf netted second place in the costume contest for his sweet Ghostbuster (Venkmein to be exact) costume. First place went to a dude in an elaborate Bender (of Futureama) costume.

Crazy 8’s beat Rushin Rollettes 82-55

Two jams in and Liv Wrong was hit in the head.

“I actually got a mild concussion! I hit the ground super hard, as I got up someone skated by and kicked me full force in the back of the head. I saw stars! …I thought I’d have a moment to regroup…I didn’t because Ivanna was yelling at me to get in formation for the next jam. The rest of the bout is a blur. Afterwards I opted to drink through the concussion rather than seek medical attention. I still don’t know who kicked me, but I’d put money on Smashalina Jolie. I’ve known her since I was four and she’s a certifiable jerk.” Was Smashalina the culprit? I was determined to find out.

“Maybe it was me and maybe it wasn’t. The way of the ninja is to get in, fight, and leave without a trace. Liv and Smash have had it out for each other since fourth grade. She’ll never admit to this, but she used to steal from other kid’s lunches. Especially if they had snack packs in them. Wanna distract Liv Wrong? Dangle a container of pudding in front of her, she’ll forget what she’s doing instantly! After years of retaliation, we’re both in roller derby. Did I kick her in the head? Maybe. Let’s just say that puddin’ eating, boyfriend stealing, prank calling, trash talking adversaries aren’t going to make it too far past me or my Crazy 8’s” Smashalina relayed to me.

A couple jams later, Holly DeClaw hit the ground so hard her that her jammer patch sprung off her helmet as an avalanche of skaters fell on her.

“I was tackled like a football player. It was a bit of a shocker, but I recovered just fine.” DeClaw maintains. Smirk Savage and Reina Pain put in strong showings, but couldn’t push the team ahead. By the end of match Jackie O’Nihilate looked completely exhausted.

Maiden Milwaukee bests Shevil Knevils 67-41

Then wild times were rolling as Maully Malone (fun fact- her namesake comes from a traditional Irish song about a women who pushes a wheelbarrow full of shellfish through the streets of Dublin.) was sent to the kennel. A brawl busted out between Pistolero(SK) and Rejected Seoul(MM).

“Pistolero tried to ride the Seoul Train, but only a Maiden can be my caboose. The next time I see her on the track she better watch her back, because the working class might kick her ass!” Rejected Seoul told me. Not surprisingly, Pistolero had a different take.
“Rejected Seoul felt the fury in my pistol packed punches. She’s learned a valuable lesson about crossing my path- a mistake she won’t make again.”

Punch Kisser was also sent to the box where she tried to escape and rassled a Drag Queen, leaving no jammer for the Knevils. Disco Insterno and Madd Mallett were sent packing. Sea Hag and Milwaukee’s Breast faced off in a close tit for tat race. The last jam feature a rare appearance of Maiden Captain Killer Jiller in the jammer position. Her team won by a 26 point lead. This makes the Maidens, 8’s, and Rollettes tied with 2 wins, 1 loss each, with the Knevils in the basement. It’ll be interesting to see which teams emerge victorious in the semi finals. As announcer Rex Chapman likes to say,

“Let’s line them up for ooooooone more!”

The Bruisers semi finals are Sun. November 19th at 4PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 W.Ryan rd. Find out more at brewcitybruisers.com

Yowza! Now you can read all of the Talk Derby To Me columns and more at
www. talk derby.blogspot.com

The BRUISERS as art?

2006-11-03T17:44:00.000+01:00

Here is a couple of photos by our "Talk Derby" photographer Jennifer Blando, from the September bout. She must have done it by messing with the shutter speeds or something. Although I wouldn't use it in the print version, I think it looks really cool in an artsy smartsy sort of way. It gives the photo a fast spaced speedy look. The Bruisers- true works of art!
The new column will be posted HERE on MONDAY NIGHT! And it's a good one!

Live Video Footage!

2006-11-01T23:38:00.000+01:00

Here's a clip of the Knevils vs Rollettes at the Summerfest demo bouts I found on YouTube. If anyone has anymore clips on YouTube, I would love to post them here.

New Talk Derby to Me soon!

2006-11-01T21:35:00.000+01:00

Wow, what a great Bruisers bout on the 28th!
The column on it will appear in the print version of UnderCurrents in the November 15 edition.
But guess what, it will be posted here much earlier, sometime this weekend!
In the meantime, I have posted the previous Talk Derby To Me columns below.

Featured Bruiser-Poptart

2006-11-01T20:58:00.000+01:00

#10.2, Rushin' Rollettes, "Nonstop" profile by Hannah Mog
Poptart, rarely referred to as Brenda, is co-captain of the Rushin Rollettes. As a self proclaimed “Femi-Nazi” it could be said that she fits the role of the stereotypical roller derby girl. Though, if there is one thing that can be learned from Milwaukee’s beloved Bruisers is that there is no stereotypical derby girl. Poptart fits the mold in that she is a strong advocate for woman’s rights and feels that it is important to have female dominated sports. However, she does not live up to the party girl typecast that many see in leagues nationwide, in fact she considers herself to be a “lightweight” and keeps her partying to a minimum. She is highly dedicated to the league, so much so that she moved from her home in Waukesha to Bayview to be closer to the action and says that derby is her life.
In her role as a hairstylist, a typically feminine occupation, Brenda has come across those who don’t understand Derby and challenge its validity as a sport. Being involved in athletics in the past, Poptart feels that Derby is one of the most challenging sports she has participated in. The workout she undergoes each Sunday morning (as well as 2-3 nights a week) not only keeps her body healthy but mentally prepares her for the week ahead, furthermore relieves aggression. She feels that the encouragement between the women and the feminist overtone of the organization is foremost in the league and hopes it won’t be overshadowed by the appeal Of seeing women in short skirts throwing each other around.

The Rock-a-Wheelie Show, September 24

2006-11-01T20:51:00.000+01:00

WHAT IS THIS?
Talk Derby To Me is a sports column that reports on the bodacious bouts of the Brew City Bruisers. Here are some abbreviations and slang so you too can talk derby!
8’s- The Crazy 8’s, MM- Maiden Milwaukee, SK- Shevil Knevils, RR- Rushin Rollettes
Zebras- referees, Bruiser Stadium- The Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 60th and Ryan roads. You can learn more on gameplay and derby history at brewcitybruisers.com.

BRUISERS RUN AMOK
The derby violence started early in September. I was enjoying a Drag King performance by the talented Miltown Kings at the Miramar, when the Bruisers in the audience were called onstage by MC Jack B. Nimble to promote the upcoming bout. The group mostly consisted of Shevil Knevils. I haven’t seen a motley crew of biker chicks like this since my 21st birthday, but you don’t want to hear that story. Out of nowhere Mia Oww(8’s) tackles Miranda Wrights(SK) onstage!
“I’m just crazy is all… Miranda was standing there all cute, practically screaming for a beating.” Oww confided in me.
Furthermore, that same night I witnessed Jenerous Beatings(8’s) start in on a drinking contest with cartoonist J.Jason Groschopf. He illustrates the Counter- Productive strip that appears here in UnderCurrents, among other places. Look over there to the right, on the comics page. And who won the one hour PBR drink off?
“JB did, by one beer.” Reported a confuzzled Groschopf, holding a bag of ice to his head. But this utter madness was just a warm up to the action about to unfold at Bruiser Stadium.
THE ROCK-A-WHEELIE SHOW, September 24
First Half, Crazy 8’s vs Maiden Milwaukee
The theme was all things wheeled, as you might of guessed. If you think about it, roller derby has evolved a lot since the idea was first conceived by cavewomen.
Beezlebelle(MM) and Cookie Ciano(8’s) were the first jammers for the hectic first jam. Servin Justice(8’s) hammered into Madd Mallett (MM) and Sexi Mexi (MM) brought a fiesta of fists to Ciano while Kat Scratch Fever was knocked clear out of the rink.
By the next jam not even the 8’s mascot, a ninja, was safe as he was tackled by the bevy of Drag Queens guarding the penalty box. Grace Killy and Rejected Seoul (MM) were both in the zone and helped keep the Maidens neck and neck with the 8’s. One thing was keeping them back, and that’s the mighty blocking power of Servin Justice. Grace Killy and Pabsty Cline tangled more than once and soon Cline crashed right next to this reporter’s feet. The last jam ended with the Maidens down 30-37.

Shevil Knevils vs Rushin Rollettes
The Knevils took some hard knocks early on and weren’t able to catch up to the Rollettes, who were cruising like vodka on a lonely Siberian night. Reina Pain, Smirk Savage, and Pound Anya sped the Rollettes ahead despite opposition from Alovicious, Trash Talkin Tina, and Punch Kisser. Holly DeClaw stayed ahead of Pistolero despite being clotheslined Knevil style. Punch Kisser had the lead but the jam was called off when Reina Pain had a skate malfunction.
HALFTIME BREAK
The Beerleaders, who have some new recruits, did a routine to a bumped up version of “Brand New Key” by Melanie including a very leggy rockette like kickline. There was a Zebra race with four refs representing the teams racing Big Wheels. A guest ref from the Twin Cities roller derby league, won the race for the Maidens.

UPSET! Maiden Milwaukee wins over Crazy 8’s 73-70
The EMTs were called in after Nancy 17(MM) landed on her tail bone, the first of a series of injuries in the second half. Mia Oww twisted her foot, took off her skate and crawled around. The Sea Hag called off a jam after being knocked over with a knee injury. True to form, she refused to take off her mask to reveal her secret identity. This is the real deal. It’s a fast paced sport and the possibility of injury is always around the corner. At the end it appeared the 8’s had won by one point, 78-77.
Then, after the Rollettes and Knevils finished their bout, the Zebras made a surprise announcement- do to some screw up, the Maidens were apparently the winners with a score of 73-70. The crowd gasped in shock. Fortunately for us all this was an early bout and there was no alcohol, derby fueled riot.
“The 8’s hit the snot out of us and played really tough. We really had to step our game up in the second half to pull out the win.” Stated the gracious Grace Killy.
I also asked head ref Snaps Smear about the scoring discrepancy.
“It was a software problem exasperated by poor communication. There will be a system in place to prevent anything like that at the next bout.” Hey, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few skulls.
Rollettes stomp Knevils 67-45
Pistolero kept getting knocked over but bounced back up with a vengeance, and ultimately ended up in the penalty box. The EMTs again had to pay a visit when Whiskey Dixie crashed. “I took a digger on my shoulder…the EMT’s popped a lil bone back in place and I’m on the ice bag train for 24 hours.” Dixie stated.
Becky The Butcher mixed it up with Roadie Foster, and both were sent packing.
“The Butcher was gunning for me that entire jam. Asking me if the Rollettes always cheat, why we’re all so ugly, and generally talking trash. I replied by asking her if the Shevils had even bothered to wake up for the game. That’s when Butcher shoulder checked me. I retaliated by grabbing her in a headlock and pulling her down.” Roadie Foster explained. Had she put the incident behind her?
“The Rollettes don’t even have to be playing for me to take Butcher down next time I see her.” I looks the Butcher better walk softly and carry a big meat cleaver.
The Rollettes started to fill up the penalty box with the likes off Reina Pain and Liv Wrong. The bout ended with an exciting battle royale style fight, with Knevils and Rollettes piling on refs Snaps Smear and Swing Wreck! Shazam! The Rollettes won by 22 points.
The Bruiser’s next bout is Saturday, October 28 at 7PM. You can get more info at brewcitybruisers.com You can join the Talk Derby To Me myspace group at
Groups.myspace.com/talkderbytome

Featured Bruiser- Kinky Tuscadero

2006-11-01T20:45:00.000+01:00

#00, Maiden Milwaukee profile by Hannah Mog
Carrie, AKA Kinky Tuscadero, is a Derby girl extraordinaire.
As a teacher, artist, single mother and member of Maiden Milwaukee, Carrie has a truly full plate. From the age of 8 when she watched Derby with her grandpa and proclaimed she wished to be “Roller Derby Queen of the World,” it was destined to be. With the formation of the Bruisers she was given her chance to fulfill those childhood dreams.
She admits that the schedule and demands of derby have been a sacrifice, but she feels the benefits of being involved in such a female focused sport are well worth whatever costs.
As a mother of a 10 year old, Lili, she says it’s not only for herself, it’s for her daughter as well. Carrie wants Lili to grow up to be a strong, feminist woman and what better way to do that then to surround her with strong female role models?
It is for this reason that Lili attends most practices and is involved as a Grease Monkey, the Maidens’ mascots, at bouts. She has even given herself the derby name of Tiger Lili.
It is the sense of camaraderie and sisterhood that has brought Kinky to the league and it is the support and friendship formed that keeps it worthwhile. She wishes to thank her friends and fellow derby girls for their support because without them her involvement wouldn’t be possible. Kinky, like many of the women on the league, is an example of what being a strong, independent woman is about.

RESURRECTION DAY bout- August 11

2006-11-01T20:31:00.000+01:00

There’s a really great Simpsons episode that features an ad parody for the Canyonero, an SUV that has “Four wheel drive, smells like a steak and seats thirty five” as well as being “twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride.” The music is really honky tonk, along the lines of the theme of Rawhide. The percussion is emphasized with the sound of a bullwhip cracking and the refrain is a cowboy call of Canyonero…CANYONERO!” What does this have to do with the Brew City Bruisers?
I think Pistolero(SK) should get her own theme song, similar to the Canyonero theme. If there are any musicians out there interested in recording this, contact me c/o Undercurrents. (UPDATE- a band is actually recording this! I'll let y'all know when it's done!)
Pistolero helps with PR for the Bruisers. I talked to her a few days before the Bruiser’s first official bout on August 11. She was a bit anxious and maybe overwhelmed. After all it’s no small feat to help transform the Milwaukee County Sports Complex on (60th and Ryan road in Franklin) into Bruiser Stadium. To help transport the masses, a fleet of shuttle Canyoneros (I mean school buses, sorry that song is stuck in my head now.) was organized with stops at popular watering holes in Riverwest, the East side, Bay View and Racine. A lot of excitement had built up for this day, but with excitement comes performance pressure.
RESURRECTION DAY – The Return of Roller Derby
On the 11th at about 4:30PM I was hanging out with a crew of Beerleaders in the backyard of head beerleader Kim N’ Tonic. The sun was high and the gals were doing some last minute touch ups- trying to find an earring backing, adjusting their hair and fishnet stockings. I was then Bruiser bound with Robin Ya’Blind and Phyllis Swiller. The endless Milwaukee County road construction slowed us down and made the anticipation greater.
When we got there the Beerleaders headed to the locker room and I entered the arena to find a good seat. My immediate thought was that I was somehow reminded of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video. It must have had something to do with the lighting, the Beerleaders and the music. The Bruisers were warming up and the crowd was flowing in, many of them with hand made signs supporting their favorite teams or players. A proclamation was read by Smashalina Jolie(8’s), stating that the City of Milwaukee has declared August 11 as Brew City Bruisers Day, signed by Mayor Tom Barrett. At last, a new holiday that doesn’t revolve around a dead white dude! A rousing rendition of “God Bless America” was then played on the Bagpipes and the teams were introduced by Uncle Fun. Announcer Professor Pickles couldn’t make it so he was replaced by his twin brother, Dexter Stuffins.
First Half- The CRAZY 8’s 35 v.s SHEVIL KNEVILS 32
The 8’s came out of the gate full speed with strong showings from Captain Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline in the first jams.. Smashalina Jolie was the first to visit the penalty box, a structure made of fencing with flashing police lights and three vivacious Drag Queens guarding it, one wielding a rider’s crop. Yowtch!
Lethal Weapon(8’s) scrapped with Crazy Janie(SK), the first of many brawls for Weapon. Look out for her!
Pistolero (cue the theme song) was cruising with a strong lead but fell and was passed up by Cookie Ciano. The Shevils caught up and tied the score after showings by Alovicious and Punch Kisser, who blasted through the pack despite many attempts to topple her. Lethal Weapon was back for trouble and got it when she bumped heads with Nova Hotspike(SK) and the Amazonian Boom Boom Bender(SK), with Weapon and Bender both sent to the penalty box.
Jam 9 was an intense one as Cookie Ciano and Disco Insterno raced neck and neck and pivots Kat Scratch Fever and Becky the Butcher tried to bump each other off the map. The last jam saw Punch Kisser cruising hard but unable to outgun Abba Zabba(8’s).
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 47 MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 47
Holly DeClaw(RR) and Grace Killy(MM) were the jammers for the wild first jam in which DeClaw was knocked over and Sexi Mexi(MM) was pushed into the crowd. Next up Reina Payne(RR) brought down a rain of pain and damaged Damnaged Goods(MM) and the mysterious and elusive Sea Hag(MM) was sent to the penalty box for her trickery. Kinky Tuscadero(MM) proved her powerful blocking strengths by slowing down Pound Anya(RR) and Poptart(RR). Killer Jiller(MM) was pushed into the Beerleaders on the sidelines as Boner(RR) sprung up into the lead. Rejected Seoul(MM) was knocked over more than once, and was none to happy, and screamed out a curse to let us know. Poptart and Sea Hag were the last jammers, and the score was tied.
HALFTIME
A tiebreaker consisted of Poptart and Sexi Mexi having a pillow fight at the beginning of Halftime, and Caramba! Mexi was determined the winner by the audience. The Beerleaders did a great dance routine to “Supersonic” and there was a rollerskate breakdancing performance by Breaksk8. I caught part of their act and was impressed but then turned my attention to slamming a couple of delicious Riverwest Steins.
Whoever decided to keep this beer in stock is a genius.
SECOND HALF
CRAZY 8’s 66 wins over SHEVIL KNEVILS 57
More strong showings from Cookie Ciano and Pabsty Cline(8’s). Milwaukee’s Breast(SK) tangled with Lethal Weapon, but was able to maintain her lead. Mel Evolence(8’s) found herself in the penalty box, and soon so did Nova Hotspike(SK) and Little Miss Tuffhit(8’s), as I’ll describe in this nursery rhyme-
Little Miss Tuffhit
Was handed some rough shit
During the middle of play
Along came a Zebra
And said “We’ll see ya”
And sent Hotspike and Tuffhit away
Thank you, thank you, I’ll look back on this moment fondly when I’m named Milwaukee’s poet laurete. Becky the Butcher(Captain, SK) put in a strong effort but it wasn’t enough to save the Knevils.
RUSHIN ROLLETTES 75 wins over MAIDEN MILWAUKEE 61
The two teams were in hot pursuit of each other all night. Jammers Pound Anya, Boner, and Ching Ching Pow made life difficult for the Maidens, and eventually pushed the score in their favor. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Said good ol’ Bill Shakespere and you don’t have to tell that to Beezlebelle , the devilish Maiden marked with 666, the number of the beast. She put in a hell of a fight but had trouble keeping ahead of Smirk Savage(RR). Maully Malone(MM) ended up in the penalty box. The Rollettes widened the gap and won by fourteen points.
The Bruisers next match is Sunday, September 24th at 3PM
You can check out more at brewcitybruisers.com

Featured Bruiser- Jenerous Beatings

2006-11-01T20:21:00.000+01:00

Here's the first featured Bruiser, the wonderful Jenerous Beatings. This was before I had the good sense to have Hannah Mog write our Bruiser profiles. Beatings is one of The Crazy 8's, #64 and her tagline is "Let the Beatings Begin"

Jenerous was born in a South African jungle. She was abandoned by her parents and abducted by Norwegian fishermen. She was sent to a small dojo in Osaka, Japan, where she was taught by Master Ken Murakami. He was assassinated by ninjas. After a bloody showdown, Beatings demanded to be taught the ways of the ninja clan. She eventually found her path to Milwaukee and the Crazy 8’s.

BRUISERS DEMO BOUTS from SUMMERFEST

2006-11-01T19:52:00.000+01:00

Note- I wrote this first column way, way, way back in July, reporting on the Bruiser's pre season demo match up at Summerfest. It also has some introductory material to the sport, and ooh, bonus, this is the longer unedited version! By now, I bet you’ve heard of the Brew City Bruisers, Milwaukee’s own kick ass roller derby league. You’ve seen them featured in various alternative weeklies, alternative monthlies, glossy Milwaukee themed magazines, websites, and the daily paper. Maybe you even saw Guy Smiley do a report on them for Action Slacks news at 9. I think they all jumped the gun and turned in the same story, basically, so I’ll keep my recapping brief.

SEVENTY ONE YEARS OF RICH HISTORY CONDENSED TO A PARAGRAPH AND A HALFRoller Derby has a long and colorful history, dating back to Chicago, 1935. It started as an endurance game, similar to dance marathons of the time, to see what team of two could skate 3,000 miles first. It was the brainchild of Leo Seltzer. The game evolved at the suggestion of sportswriter (and probable elbow fetishist) Damon Runyon, who observed the most exciting part was the skaters elbowing past each other. The game changed and continued on through the years, it’s popularity dipping and rising. It was popular in the 50’s and in the 70’s was revived again. The popularity produced many Roller Derby publications and television shows over the years. One of the most over the top shows was Rollergames, which lasted just one season (1989-1990). The show featured a figure 8 track, with one end banked into a “Wall of Death”. It featured halftime performances from Warrant and Lita Ford, and as a tiebreaker a race around a pit filled with live alligators!
The new revival of the game started five years ago or so and is a grassroots, D.I.Y., co-op like set up, with some good old fashioned punk rock thrown in for good measure. The girls run the show instead of weasels in cheap suits smoking cigars. It’s a sisterhood whose mantra might be “we only came to kick some ass”. It’s caught on like wildfire with leagues putting wheels to the wax across the country in cities big and small. A reality show based on the Austin, TX league, Rollergirls, was shown last year on the A and E network. If you want to read more on Derby history, I recommend starting with wikipedia.org ‘s entry on Roller Derby.

BRUISERS LEAP INTO ACTION!That brings us to our own fearsome females of the four wheels. The idea was conceived when some enterprising Milwaukee women took in a Windy City Rollers bout in Chicago. They began recruiting through flyers, myspace, and word on the street. Soon they had enough roller warriors to split into four teams. They even have their own cheering squad, the Beerleaders, and a crew of referees (referred to from now on as “Zebras”). To show they’re stand up type of gals; they give proceeds of many of their events to various charities. And these events so far- shows, dance parties, karaoke parties, rummage sales- have not only raised dough but have proven the league has a legion of fans ready for the DERBY ACTION! And that’s what this column is about- THE ACTION! The swooshing of elbows, the crunching of bone, the squealing of rollerskate wheels!

HOW THE GAME IS PLAYEDIf you really want to get an idea of what game play is like, you really should watch a bout. You’ll start to catch on after a couple jams. A jam is a round of play that lasts two minutes or until the lead jammer calls the jam by placing her hands on her hips and smiling benignly.
To start, a Zebra blows a whistle and the pack takes off. Each team has three blockers, and a pivot. You might think the jammers are the star of the game, but don’t underestimate the pivot. In fact I have a good idea for a bumper sticker- I PIVOT FOR PIVOTS. The pivots control the speed of the pack, block, and keep an eye on the jammers. The blockers try to stop the other teams jammer and propel their own forward. After this pack is about twenty feet down the track, the Zebra blows a second whistle and the jammers take off. They work their way through the pack, and race around the track to work their way through the pack again. They start scoring points this second time around for each opposing team member they pass.

WAIT…. THERE’S RULES?It may seem to be a sport of anarchy, but it is a controlled anarchy. The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association has a set of Standardized Flat Track Roller Derby Rules. It covers aspects of game play, including punishable offences. To get an idea of some penalties, let’s look at the column header drawn by Coth. Several violations jump out at us. Pulling hair violates rule 6.2.4.2.7 “Intentional, negligent, or reckless pulling of the head, neck, or helmet.” Her victim has ignored 6.2.4.2.5 “(No) biting.” Although there is no specific rule against swordplay, we can suspect it is an “Illegal Procedure” 6.2.1 of some kind. See the derby girl leaning out to the right? I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s going to engage one of the players in a “noogie” or “knuckle sandwich”, which is also a violation of 6.2.4.2.7.
More than one of these women could be called on 6.2.4.6.8 “Jumping onto or into a pile of fighting skaters (“dog pile”)”.

How many of these women are in violation of 6.2.2.2.1 “Gross unsports-lady-like conduct” is a tough call to make.

BRUISERS SUMMERFEST EXPO BOUTSThe Bruisers had two sets of expo bouts at Summerfest at the Sentry Sports Zone Stage, to show off what a Bruisers bout will look like in condensed form. Foot traffic on the pathway behind the stage was congested, and I soon saw why- people were rubbernecking the assembled teams waiting to hit the rink. The stands filled up quickly, and so did the standing room. A crew quickly began to set up a makeshift rink by setting up rope and police tape as boundaries. The Zebras assembled, a team of seven if I counted right. Some follow the action on skates and others stay in the middle of the rink keeping score. The Beerleaders warmed the crowd up with some naughty cheers. As they allude to in one of their cheers, they look like a gang of girls you might find smoking in the bathroom in High School.
Uncle Fun and Professor Pickles from The Mistreaters acted as MCs, which is fitting since their motto is “If you don’t find trouble, it’ll find you.” As they introduced the sport, the entire league skated around them and the roaring of dozens and dozens of skates was a great sound. It was quite a sight!

Sunday, July 2
The CRAZY 8’S- 28 points vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 26 pointsThe Crazy 8’s have embraced the ancient art of ninjistu for the team style. They wear kimono style shirts. As they were introduced, some of them brandished sinister looking weapons. The team Captain is Cookie Ciano (#K8) co-captain is Queen Latina (#1969).
Maiden Milwaukee has a heartwarming hometown look with pink bowler shirts. They have a pretty wild line up. The Captain is Killer Jiller (#KJ-47) the co-captain is Jenn Erator (#35), who looks like an innocent enough girl, but anyone who saw her beat the skins (I’m talking about playing the drums!) for the rockin band Wrecker should know not to be deceived. The Maiden’s also have one the sport’s most mysterious players-The Sea Hag (#20,000). She wears a grotesque green mask and little is known about her identity. Where does she come from? It’s one of the great mysteries of our time.
The second whistle blew and the jammers flew out the gate, with Servin Justice (#2) jamming for the Crazy 8’s and Grace Killy (#1) cruising for the Maidens. Justice sped through the pack quickly, scoring the league’s first points. The next jammer for the Maidens was Pixie Punch (#16) who flew around the track quickly. The next Jam featured the much anticipated first brawl of the season between the Maiden’s Madd Mallett (#99) and the 8’s jammer Pabsty Cline (#.08) who was just about to push her way through the pack. The crowd cheered wildly as the two wrestled each other to the ground. Grace Killy returned to the jammer position and managed to elbow her way through the pack despite tough resistance from Kat Scratch Fever (#999). The bout ended with another speedy showing from Pixie Punch. The Beerleaders took center stage for a half time show. Here’s part of one of their cheers, so you can get an idea- Titty Titty Bang Bang/ Watch the Bruisers do their thang/ we’ve got rock and we’ve got roll/ watch the Bruisers take control/ Crazy 8’s, Rushin’Rollettes, Maiden Milwaukee, Shevil Knevils/ GO BRUISERS!

RUSHIN’ ROLLETTES- 46 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 37
The Rollettes have a Cold War Russian spy look. They received some hissing from the crowd, but don’t worry ladies. We at Talk Derby To Me love dirty commies as much as we love red blooded Americans. They are led by Captain Ivanna Smackdavitch (#1:6) who looks like she might be your friendly neighborhood librarian, but beware of the Russian dominatrix within. The co-Captain is Poptart (#10.2). The Shevil Knevils have a 70’s daredevil image similar to their namesake, Evel Knievel. They have a rough, raw power line up that looks like they could come out of a barroom brawl victorious. Becky the Butcher (#99 cents) is the team captain. She is heavily tattooed and there is a rumor in the stands that she is descended from a long line of Irish bare knuckle boxers. The co-Captain is Crazy Janie (#2.5).

The first Jam had the Rollette’s Holly DeClaw (#20) and the Shevil’s The Punch Kisser (#25) a very tough face off. DeClaw was in the lead until she collided with Miranda Wrights (#1848) without reading her rights. Smirk Savage (#4) stepped in as jammer and overtook The Punch Kisser. Despite additional smack downs by The Butcher and The Punch Kisser, the Shevils weren’t able to close the nine point gap.

In a surprise end to the evening, one of the Zebras, Snaps Smear, proposed to Sugar Tank (#96, Shevil Knevils) in the middle of the rink. A true relationship forged in grit and scrapped elbows, and best of luck to them.

Monday, July 3
The CRAZY 8’s- 25 vs. MAIDEN MILWAUKEE- 23The fireworks came early today as jammers Termiskater(#T2, crazy 8’s) and Pixie Punch(#16, Maidens) launched down the track. Pixie left nothing but a trail of pixie dust as she flew through the pack, scoring 3 points. The Termiskater caught the 8’s up in the next jam. Grace Killy jammed out the next round and did some showboating, the crowd loved it! The mysterious Sea Hag was the next jammer for the Maidens, she creepily slinked her way quickly through the pack, despite numerous attempts to topple her. A vicious fight broke out between Mia Oww (# $29.95, 8’s) and Killer Jiller (#KJ-47), Captain of the Maidens. I asked Oww later about her spiller with Killer Jiller, and luckily she walked away from the clash with just a cut to the inside of her lip. The 8’s were down by two, when Servin’ Justice (#02, 8’s) entered as jammer and shot through a couple jams, an unstoppable force scoring eight points and putting the 8’s ahead. The last jam was the most action packed. Jammer Damnaged Goods (#80) took down almost the entire pack, but attention switched quickly to a wild rumble between A Lethal Weapon (#10, 8’s) and Nancy 17 (#17, Maidens). Even bunny eared Zebra Swing Wreck wasn’t safe from the violence. Yowza! The stands were buzzing with introspective contemplation as the Beerleaders treated the crowd to more sweet natured aggression.

RUSHIN ROLLETTES- 43 vs. SHEVIL KNEVILS- 42It was a close one throughout the entire bout. Today the Knevils had their own cheering section in the stands, chanting their name. The smack downs came early as Ivanna Smackdavitch(#1:6) tangoed with Nova Hotspike (#3, Shevils). Jammers Fly Girl (#1974, Rollettes) and The Punch Kisser (#25, Shevils) were racing shoulder to shoulder, with Punch Kisser, pushing ahead. The next few jams showed a close pursuit between Smirk Savage (#4, Rollettes) and Alovicous (#8, Shevils) and Pop Tart (#10.2, Rollettes) and Trash Talkin Tina (#59, Knevils). By now, only one point separated the teams, a real nail biter. Boner (#6, Rollettes) made a bid for the lead, but was knocked over by aggressive blockers more than once. Ching Ching Pow (#.357, Rollettes) managed to shove her way past pivot Disco Insterno (#11, Shevils) and in the last jam Fly Girl scored the game point, landing the game for the Rollettes by just one point.

The real season for the Bruisers starts Friday, August 11th at 7PM at the Milwaukee County Sports Complex, 6000 West Ryan Road, Franklin. Talk Derby To Me will be there and so should you!
Check out the Bruiser’s website for more info- brewcitybruisers.com
The Bruisers, all four teams, the Beerleaders, and referees all have their own myspace pages.

Talk Derby To Me...ONLINE!

2006-11-01T19:24:00.000+01:00

Whoop whoop whoop! I wish I would have gotten online sooner, but I also wish I had a tree that grew crisp hundred dollar bills, now don't I?
I won't bore you with the details, but our website www.undercurrentz.com has not been updated since August due to a long list of human and technical problems.
So I am maintaining this blog myself. This is really great, because I can update with columns and pictures whenever I want, and you can leave feedback (and please do!) I am going to start by reprinting all of the columns I've done this season.
IT"S TIME TO TALK DERBY!